Goals, stubbornness and success—and pain

February 13, 2021February 13, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

So much happened today.

Or yesterday.

I promised myself I wouldn’t publish this draft until morning because I was both lost in thought and celebrating teenager #1’s first official job (her first unofficial job was as a costumed character) by trying the pink lemonade vodka. I was exhausted and I suspect I am slightly inebriated now.

I received a $7,000 medical bill for my August 3, 2020 hospital visit. My out-of-pocket cost is $500-something. Six months ago. And I think this is just for the first of four days.

But let’s go backwards… Teenager #1 and I went to Dunkin to get a free drink— I chose the iced Pink Velvet Macchiato (made with skim milk). At this point, caffeine, sugar and a double dose of naproxen sodium is the only way I can survive my shift.

I talked to my chiropractor and she said to continue my physical therapy stretches and that the fact I am no longer in pain in the morning is a good sign. But that my body was “off level” more strongly than usual. I had noticed my right side was bothering me instead of the left so is my body trying to compensate? And am I developing nerve pain in my spine from standing so much? She said all is possible. And then she moved everything around.

I then heard someone I used to work with (and someone I greatly respect and enjoy the company of) is becoming the general manager of a local cannibas dispensary. And more than one person has recommended medical marijuana to me, so it gets me thinking. But I’ve never smoked a cigarette and only ever had one hit of pot so I don’t know how I feel about that idea.

So with all this is mind, I purchased my coffee and dropped the teenager off at her first day of work.

As expected, I was in QC again so I took my two naproxen sodium and headed out.

Podcasts helped keep me motivated. Now, I am about to murder someone if one more of my regular podcasts talks about love and sex for Valentine’s Day. But this one didn’t let me down. Stand up comedy featuring Bert Kreischer — Bert : A Joke About Pajamas (podcast) and I got really excited about the New York Times The Daily Podcast talking about France, Islam and laïcité. This is the exact stuff I wrote a thesis about and I can’t believe this conversation is still happening. It’s very parallel to race relations here in the United States.

If you want to listen: France, Islam & Laïcité

This got me thinking about my hope to update and publish my thesis. That needs to become a plan.

About two hours in to my shift, one of the people I report to stopped by to check on me. We had an interesting conversation. It started with: “How do you feel about QC?”

I told her everything about my love-hate relationship with QC. How it aggravates my cerebral palsy. How it does not fall within my natural skill set. How it physically hurts.

“We don’t want you to be in pain.”

You don’t?

Pain is like a grouchy friend at this point. We’re used to each other. I never had an employer say that before. And I told her I know I need to have more conversations with the supervisory team about this.

The conversation ended with: “Would you like to be permanently assigned to pick?”

But I’m stubborn and I want to get at least closer to the goal, which I’m told now is 104 not 130. She critiqued my work and I learned some better techniques.

I said I’d like to see if I can improve and then go back to pick.

And I felt energized, excited, and good at my job. I decided not to obsess over the numbers and just work as hard as I could and see where the numbers fell. That didn’t work. By the end of the night I had my worst night ever— I QC’ed 78 fixes.

This was devastating to my psyche. Perhaps, in part, because it revives some past employment trauma where I wanted to succeed and I was doing everything I was asked to do, but I just couldn’t meet the same expectations the employer had.

Perhaps it was because I have that personality where I hate to fail.

Perhaps it was because as someone with a disability I feel like I am under more pressure than the average person to prove my worth and that my performance makes a statement not only for me but also sets a standard for how others like me will be treated in the future.

Full of Cupcakes

February 12, 2021February 12, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

I was exhausted and grumpy most of the day. But not a single thing happened to make me grumpy, I was just tired.

It was a nice day. Teenager #1 and I took a friend to her podiatrist appointment, and as promised said friend provided a nice coffee and added a surprise— home baked matcha cupcakes. I love matcha and I have loved matcha for far longer than it has been trendy.

So it’s gonna be a good day, because matcha cupcakes. Which reminds me of one of my favorite songs: Good Day.

While our friend is at her appointment, we run to Sheetz. The teenager took my money and bought herself a turkey wrap. Not sure why a turkey wrap screamed breakfast to her but she also brought me my favorite cupcakes, Hostess orange cream cupcakes. More cupcakes!

I saved my cupcakes.

The teenager didn’t even get to eat her wrap because she got a phone call from one of our favorite diners, Tic Toc, asking her if she still wanted a job as a waitress. She was quite flummoxed. She starts later today (it is 1 a.m. now).

My maternal instincts say this will be the perfect job for her. She has the patient, cordial nature and coordination for the job. And the girl loves her food so I think she’ll have the knack for details.

And I love that she’s not working in a grocery store, or a fast food joint. I think she’ll learn a lot and gain a lot of new stories to tell. And while working for a small local business will have its own unique challenges, I’m glad she’s not getting the big corporate crap job for her first official work experience.

Speaking of work, my average time per fix was between 4.25 and 4.58. I QC’ed 83 fixes and that’s— as usual— really low. But higher than last night! I took two naproxen sodium and pain was down around a 2.

And the friend I mentioned gave us hand me downs— so I got to go to work in new-to-me jeans. She had several sizes so everything really small went to teenager #2.

And to warm my heart, there is always, Fog, who started life as a feral kitten. Teenager #1 rescued him and his brother last winter. He was so shy he wouldn’t come near me for a month. Gradually he started sleeping in my bed, until a couple months later he was sleeping at my feet. Then my knees. Now he waits for me to come home from work and we go to bed. Video: Time for Bed

In the morning I have a chiropractor appointment, she has probably taught me more about my cerebral palsy’s impact on my body than anyone else.

PS— i survived today by drinking too much coffee, having several sugary snacks, taking a nap and eating too much.

À demain, mes amis. À tout à l’heure.

My own personal Groundhog Day of failure and snow

February 11, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Despite my ever effort to the contrary, every night I perform worse in QC at the Bizzy Hizzy. I start strong and on target, but somehow by lunch I’m falling behind.

And after meal I’m in pain and feeling tired and defeated. So it gets harder and harder to catch up. I feel unseen and lost.

I woke up today determined to achieve greatness— I did a small strength training exercises and some physical therapy stretches for my lower back.

Dressed a little edgier than I usually do and took the teens for coffee…

After all, I found a coupon.

Stopped at CVS to take advantage of their buy one, get one 50% off over-the-counter painkiller promotion ( and paid with my health savings account debit card). I put my faith in naproxen sodium and a good attitude.

The pain was bad tonight, even with the naproxen sodium and I almost cried a couple of times, perhaps due to the emotional frustration more than the pain. Or it could be because my period is due tomorrow and I heard Wilson Phillips on the warehouse radio “Hold on.”

“Hold on for one more day.” (If you don’t know the song… Wilson Phillips “Hold on” on YouTube)

“Break free from the chains.”

I finally leave the building and the snow is falling faster than I can brush it off my car. I take the highway home hoping the state will tend and clear it.

The snow plow was behind me.

Directly behind me.

Got home, barely made it into the garage, shoveled.

And poured a stiff drink.

In the morning, I am giving a friend a ride to the doctor.

The Monday report of challenges, joys & lessons

February 9, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

It is almost 12:45 am. Tuesday. I’ve been home from work about 2o minutes. I started the dishwasher and poured a beer— that may also include crème de cacao and peanut butter whiskey.

It’s about 15 degrees outside which means my parking pad area was icy and hard for the car to climb, but the Jetta is safely in the garage.

I just sat down on my bed to write this blog entry about the joys, challenges and lessons of my Monday. Let’s go in reverse chronological order— start at the most recent and work to 24 hours ago.

Challenge #1– the Belkin charging cord I got for Christmas appears to have stopped working. Now I have sworn by Belkin cords for years. And they all last years. Why has this one failed? I’m too tired to troubleshoot. I whipped out my new Anker cord I bought as a spare when I saw it on sale. And teenager #1 needed one. Bought one for all of us, including teenager #2.

Challenge #2 and Lesson #1– I still suck at QC at the Bizzy Hizzy. The official goal is 130. I did 89 on Friday and 82 today. I am not accustomed to failing at assignments and it’s compelling exercise to try to improve at something at which you really seem to be bad.

Which brings me to… Joy 1– working in a warehouse with a wide variety of people has shown me how eager people are to help when you appreciate them. As I have mentioned before (see Rip it off fast like a bandaid), the ability to take criticism seems to be unusual at the Bizzy. I had another colleague come up to me today and thank me for being agreeable and willing to listen.

Joy #2 — cherishing the leftovers of last night’s Peruvian chicken with red peppers and Brussel sprouts.

Challenge #3– understanding how this video of my dear cat Fog reached 100 views in less than 24 hours: Fog purring. And now that I go to copy the link it’s up to 453 views a mere 5 hours later. Why?

Joy #3– meeting Barbara at Petco. She is one of the volunteers who helps care for the kittens in the habitats up for adoption through Feline Urban Rescue and Rehab.

Challenge #4– cats are a**holes. I had to very forcefully remove Fog from my room last night because he kept dangling from the parakeet cage. I cried myself to sleep because he’s slept with me for about a month now and I didn’t feel like I could rest without him.

Foods of a snowy day

February 7, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

We woke up today with the snow falling as anticipated… I came downstairs to discover that Mr. Mistofelees stole the baguette from the top of the pantry amid the pots and pans.

I trimmed around the cat-eaten morsels and prepared a platter of baguette, hummus, olives, dates, cocktail cucumbers, molasses bread, jam and goodness knows what else as a light breakfast.

Why a light breakfast? Because I promised the teenagers I would make poached eggs on crumpets for second breakfast later in the day. I learned two things:

I forgot that I always toast the crumpets before adorning them with ooey gooey imperfect-looking poached eggs. I served untoasted crumpets and that was gross.
Teenager #2 hadn’t ever had poached eggs before— and the egg won approval.

I used the opportunity to taste-test Supercoffee, which I purchased at Wegmans in part because I didn’t feel guilty about the $3 sticker price because I used a gift card my mom gave me for Christmas and this was my one splurge. I’m surprised a didn’t buy a $10 chunk of strong Brie.

Here is my review of Supercoffee… spoiler alert: it didn’t impress me with flavor, but now, an hour after finishing it, my right hand is bright red and really warm.

Friends, food and fun

February 6, 2021Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

The last two days— when not paying bills, shoveling snow, fighting pain and surviving work at the Bizzy Hizzy— has been a blend of chores and silliness.

I took Teenager #1 for a drive yesterday to navigate city streets made narrow by snow and drive in whatever slop we could find so she could experience driving on snow and ice in a controlled manner.

She asked for something from McDonalds so I got her an iced coffee, and I wanted to go to Dunkin across the street for my iced coffee.

I ordered the coffee on the McDonalds app and no lie— it took 45 minutes to make it through the drive through. At Dunkin, I got a cold brew with cream, the coconut flavor shot and one pump of the pink velvet syrup.

Yes, they have the pink velvet syrup in things other than the pricey pink velvet macchiato.

At work in the Stitch Fix warehouse, I tried to get a picture of the inflatable Valentine’s dinosaur…

And I got assigned to QC. I assembled 89 fixes and was very grateful when my Tylenol and ibuprofen managed to numb the pain in my spine. I listed to two IT innovation podcasts featuring data science, algorithms and Stitch Fix.

After taking Minerva of the Roman Pride to FURR’s cat adoption event at Petsmart, teenager #1 and I went to Wegmans across the street. Now, we are expecting snow again tomorrow AND it’s the Super Bowl so of course, it was crazy.

But it sure made this generic bologna sandwich taste amazing.

A social worker friend and I discussed budget tactics, loan amortization and the influence of white privilege in the disability sphere.

Then our neighbor and our favorite little dog stopped by. We finalized dinner plans to go to our favorite local diner— and wow was it lively tonight.

Not only did we have the brand new waiter (whom they hired instead of teenager #1), but there was one guy who looked like his mask came out of a BDSM scene and a sweet little old lady wearing fingerless gloves who sent back her omelette so many times they ran out of egg whites.

The poor new waiter dropped food on the floor and broke at least one plate, didn’t have any grasp of the menu, was slow as molasses, and could not keep track of the condiments. But don’t worry, we were patient.

Apparently my request for a tuna melt on rye confused him, because he had to return to the table to confirm that I didn’t want a tuna melt and an order of rye toast.

And during one of our trips today, we fished the Yuengling out of the yard that teenager #1 tried to throw to the neighbor as he was snow-blowing.

After all that, and much trademark cackling, we finally did the soda taste test video we’ve had planned: Weird Sodas (Ramuné in melon and strawberry, Major Melon Mountain Dew and A-Treat Pumpkin.

That’s some real pandemic excitement.

Mindless Satisfaction

February 5, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Today featured some magical moments— Mr. Accordion stopped by to pick up his food from the marching band fundraiser (and brought ‘deconstructed halupki’ soup, which I loved as did the two teenagers) AND in the middle of the night, the snow disappeared from our alley.

So I returned to work at the Bizzy Hizzy, a position Mr. Accordion asked me about. I told him it paid decently for the time of work it was and it wasn’t hard.

Of course, tonight I worked in regular pick for 3/4 of the night (only picked 64) and then direct pick for the last two hours where I got my number to 104. Pathetic, but interesting to note the difference direct pick makes. The pain in my spine had reached a seven by meal break so I doctored myself with the trifecta— 600 mg of ibuprofen, coffee, and a honey bun. Painkillers, caffeine and sugar. I ended up walking 21,000 steps.

I love the mindless satisfaction of my job. I listen to every sort of podcast and contemplate my own life. I feel like I learn a lot about myself and the world at large.

And tonight my daughter changed my sheets so I came home to my boy Fog and a clean bed. A welcome combination of the hair raising experience of getting the car in the garage.

Today’s cocktail: Apple Juice and Smirnoff Kissed Caramel Vodka

Days get weird

February 3, 2021Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

I live in an urban setting but in a small town. I love everything about my town— but no town is ever fully prepared for a three-day snowstorm.

I have a garage that fronts a quaint alley, as many people in our borough do. In a big snowstorm I typically move my car to the street. Because the street very quickly looks like this after a storm:

But I didn’t. Not this time. Even with a foot or a foot and a half of snow I can shovel my end of the alley if need be.

Not this time. We got 2.5 feet of snow and this is what my garage is facing:

And that is the street there.

So much snow fell that they can’t get the plows down the narrow alleys. Despite five plows and the whole crew, they need to go in with smaller equipment and move the snow with dump trucks.

It’s now 3:30 and we still haven’t seen any of our snow go, but we were fortunate to have our favorite little dog stop by and visit. Her mom started a new job just a few hours a day where she is learning great secrets— like how to make chocolate bombs.

I had to call out from work at my warehouse— the Bizzy Hizzy— so this week may end up an unpaid and stoic vacation with a shovel in hand.

Teenager #1 made the best of conditions and took the cats out to the snow.

Her quote was, “Mom, this is why I need a dog.”

And in exciting news, I got to talk shop with a newspaper editor today. Not going to say anything more other than it was a good conversation and I hope I have the chance to continue the talk.

And finally, if you need some cockatoo amusement:

Nala video of the day

Taste of 1966: Dark Shadows, the paperback novel

February 2, 2021February 3, 2021Angel Ackerman 1 Comment

In the midst of this strange blizzard of 2021, I consumed this 1966 then 50 cent paperback Dark Shadows by Marilyn Ross.

Now, the spine has a number 6 on it, but it appears to be the first one as it is Victoria Winter’s arrival at Collinswood. And any fan of the original Dark Shadows television program will attest, there is no Dark Shadows without “My name is Victoria Winters” voiced over the crashing waves.

Despite the claim that the book is a gothic paperback, it’s a stereotypical romance novel. And while good old Barnabas is on the cover, he does not appear in the story.

The actual story features Victoria arriving at Collinsport and finding herself the object of attention for two suitors— the promising young lawyer and the “crazed” concert violinist in the Collins family.

The Gothic part stems from the ghost story within I suppose, layered with a bit of murder mystery, plus a lovely hint of Jane Eyre.

But don’t dismay— Victoria almost gets her happily ever after if the curse of the Collins family doesn’t get in the way.

The novel is extremely predictable and if the cover were red it could pose as a Harlequin. The writing is solid and the wording rich, though now at 50 years later some words have different meanings. For instance, “fantastic” referred more to a macabre surprise than something good. And “make out” kept its definition to “did everything go alright” which confused me for a moment because Victoria was kissing the man in question.

All in all, a quick fun little piece of fluff.

Still snowing…

February 2, 2021Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

It started snowing late Sunday morning and now, as of Tuesday 2 p.m., it is still snowing.

I’ve gained 2 pounds this weekend and discovered that I can no longer shovel with the physical prowess I used to have.

Mama Wink, my blue budgie, has laid two more eggs but she doesn’t appear to be sitting on them.

My neighbor used his snow blower on our walks so I gave him a beer to thank him. Teenager #1 tried to toss it to him and landed it in the snow in the yard. And the snow sucked it in like quicksand.