Part One: Reflections on Life Insurance

Earlier this month, I received a letter from my life insurance company. When I turned 50, my term life insurance policy could no longer continue at the rates I had paid for 20 years… after all, I am old now and the likelihood of my death exponentially increases.

I thought I had reduced the coverage– after all, the house is almost paid for now and the child is almost out of college so the need to have a healthy policy no longer seemed so important. Now I just want to make sure the child can burn me up and dispose of my ashes. Apparently, I never complete the process and find myself receiving a new letter that my premiums are almost doubling, after they almost tripled last year.

I called the company, spoke with an agent, and reduced my current coverage. But to maintain a long-term policy at stable rates, I needed to prove I was insurable. I scheduled an appointment for two weeks out to have bloodwork, urine and measurements done as part of a physical. For that two weeks, I drank no Diet Coke, ate no added sugar, avoided salt and processed food, ate lots of fruits and vegetables, drank ridiculous amounts of water and took my vitamins.

I lost seven pounds in that two weeks. All while thinking about the fact that life is so much harder when you’re not traditionally healthy. It doesn’t matter if you’re fat or disabled or diabetic. Part of the issue with my life insurance stemmed from the fact that I had an incident of Afib with RVR after a bad fall four years ago. Here’s some of that saga.

I believe, and my cardiologist agrees, that the Afib occurred due to bodily trauma. It was my second hard fall in two weeks that required medical attention and my body had enough. I have not been taking any medication, and my blood pressure has been fine. (And part of me still wonders if food doesn’t play an issue in that.)

But I find myself thinking once again about the gatekeepers who decide what our lives and our bodies are worth, and yes, I’m referring to life insurance and medical insurance companies. It’s exhausting to have to prove to corporations and to doctors what goes on in our bodies.

I finally had a chance to look up the numbers for my test results (and I downloaded the PDF and sent it to my doctor). Most everything looks really good and even the results in the cautionary zone of normal (all the stuff that relates to blood sugar and what not) are still normal. So, we’ll see if the insurance company declares me healthy.

Part Two: Service Dog Update

Yesterday while I was in Maplewood, N.J., with R. Diskin Black, the poet and writer and YA novelist who wrote The Night of Swaying Grass, (an experience I wrote about on my Substack newsletter here and hope to write more here in another entry) I checked my email while we were preparing to leave the diner where we had a classic New Jersey meal: eggs and hashbrowns at two in the afternoon.

I had an email from my service dog program where I have been on the waiting list for a couple years now. This might be the first post I made about filling out the application. 4 years and one month ago. They said then that the process took 4-5 years. This is a post about my early in-person interview. And here’s one from my most recent visit to the training center.

ANYWAY.

The email was from Deb Tack, the executive director at Susquehanna Service Dogs. I open it.

Hi Angel,

I am reaching out today to extend an invitation for a Meet the Dogs session. Please read the following information on how to sign uo and what to expect:

I froze. “Meet the Dogs.” Does that mean what I think it means? My heart skipped a beat.

Now, a few weeks ago, I admitted to Eva that I often felt like I was a failure because I haven’t been able to pay off a $20,000 personal loan I took out when I lost my job at Stitch Fix. It hangs over my head like a car payment without the car. I mentioned that in all this time I haven’t touched any of the money that I have saved to pay for my service dog (some of which came from that $20,000 loan) and that maybe that shows that I should be working harder to pay down my debts, that I do waste too much money, and maybe I should use some of that service dog money to reconfigure some household debts.

“But,” I said, “If I did that, the service dog people would tell me my dog was ready.”

So… Is my dog ready?

I didn’t finish reading the email. I mentioned it to Ray, who in his professional life was a lawyer. I offhandedly mentioned, “Of course, this could happen now. I have my little part-time job in a restaurant so I wouldn’t be able to bring a dog.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“It’s food service. I could bring the dog there to eat, but I can’t bring the dog behind the counter.”

“Isn’t that discrimination?” he replied.

“Put your lawyer brain away!” I told him.

We continued our outing, and checked the oil in my car with a dryer sheet from Food Lion, and read the email in the car, quickly, and forwarded it to Eva without finishing it.

I texted her.

I sent you an email. If you want to call and talk about it, give me ten minutes to find the highway.

Eva, the practical one, replied: I’m leaving for work. We’ll talk when you get home.

When I get home, I don’t have a chance to talk to Eva right away. I book an appointment for September 25, because it’s the only day that Eva and I can both go. It means I have to reschedule my day trip with another author, Geraldine Donaher, but I think she’ll understand. Or so I hope. Then– and only then– do I print and read the letter.

– What is goal of Meet the Dogs? The goal of a Meet the Dogs session is to begin to understand what type of dog you fit best with and what definitive task list our trainers will need to train your dog to perform. We intentionally invite more Partners than there are dogs available to ensure that we are able to make a match. Not every Partner will match during their first session, and some may need to come back for multiple sessions in order to find their match. Overall, our goal is to match you with a dog that you will be able to have a successful bond and work well with for many years to come. 

– What happens during a session? Members of the Partner Services and Training staff will meet with you for your session. First, we will spend time discussing any pertinent updates and then delve into which tasks and cues would be most beneficial, as well as places that a trainer should focus on taking your future dog to train. Then, you will have the opportunity to meet 2 to 5 dogs-in-training, work with each individually for a brief period and provide your feedback. 

– What happens after my session? Following the session, the SSD team will meet to discuss their observations of the interactions with each dog along with the dogs’ responses and strengths.  Approximately six weeks following your Meet the Dogs session, you will receive an email regarding whether you have received a tentative match along with information regarding Team Training. 

– Can I bring someone to the session with me? Absolutely- We highly encourage that a support person/s are present. While they will not interact with the dogs during the session, they will be able to be a second set of eyes, help with building the task list and take pictures and videos should you choose. 

As you can see, there’s a lot of “maybe” in this whole letter– and there’s more when you schedule the appointment. The confirmation reads:

“More potential partners have been invited than there are available dogs to help us ensure we find the right placement for each dog. We know everyone has waited a long time, and those who do not receive a tentative match will experience disappointment.”

No, I won’t be disappointed. I have no doubt the dogs will know. The right dog will find me and any potential disappointment will be flanked by resolution and commitment– that the closer I get to meeting my dog, the more I have to take care of myself, the less excuses I have, so that my service dog and I will have a good life together. When I think back to the animals in my life that meant the most to me, I didn’t pick them. They picked me.

And this dog– this dog is a working dog. This dog has to want to work for me.

Some things are worth the wait.

Some general background

I have applied for a light mobility service dog to improve my gait and help me recover from falls. Statistics show that walking with a dog automatically helps people with an unsteady gait walk better, and my dog will do small tasks of retrieval (fist aid kid, light folding stool), potentially carry items if I need my hands, get my phone if I need help, or pick up items from the floor if I can’t bend. Crazy to think that the steady walk of a dog, and being near it, could decrease my likelihood of falling.

The program with which I am working breeds their own puppies, sends the puppies to families for raising and basic obedience, and only when they are two years old can a dog ethically be cleared for light mobility work. The dog must be cleared by a veterinarian to be healthy enough, big enough and have the bone structure to do such work. If I understand correctly, once the dogs return from their puppy raiser families, they learn certain tasks ALL their dogs learn. Like how to walk with different gear.

And depending on the type of mobility gear– only certain dogs will do that work. A mobility service dog can wear a hard hardness, a soft harness with strap, or just a leash. The bulkier the gear required, the more likely a dog might not want to wear it. In my case, I would be fine with just a leash, though a strap might not be the worst thing.

But there is one potential hang-up for my dog… In my evaluations, if I remember correctly, we determined that while they train the dogs to walk on the left, my dog needs to walk on the right, and the ambassador dog I was working with did not like walking on the wrong side and fought me a little. Apparently, according to Eva, I walk like a drunk with the dog on the left and walk in a straight line with the dog on the right.

Once the dogs are tentatively matched– and the dog could still wash out so even that is not guaranteed– the dog spends time training for the tasks for its handler’s specific needs. Then, a few months later, the dog and its handler spend more than two weeks in an intense in-house training program.

So, it’s an exciting time, and either way, I’ll meet some cool dogs.