Category essay

Sometimes a random photo can make you smile

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Today was emotionally exhausting.

It’s been an emotionally hard week– in the anxiety-inducing way. Not in a bog panic attack way, but in the quiet worry eating you up inside way.

Tomorrow is Friday and out of my five goals I set for this week: I achieved one, ignored one, did the bare minimum on another, devoted 90% of my attention to the one and the final… Somehow, I forgot and thought I would do it tomorrow all at the same time.

So, I think tomorrow morning I’ll head over to Panera, have a good cup of coffee and force myself to do an hour of work on the project that I’ve been procrastinating and two hours-ish on the one I could have done more on.

I went grocery shopping yesterday. It’s probably not what everyday people consider grocery shopping but I went to Grocery Outlet and used their $5 off a $25 order coupon on $50 worth of groceries, half of which were for the Teenager who now has an ear infection after attending her first college fraternity party Friday night.

I snapped this photo while I was there because Stitch Fix always had these cookies in the breakroom and I got my trainer Andrew kind of hooked on them.

It felt good to at least get a few things into the house.

When I arrived home, I got the auto insurance bill last night and was shocked to learn my premium had gone up another 400– so that now for The Teenager and I it would cost $3785 for six months of car insurance.

This morning I had to call my former insurance carrier and see if they could beat the rate from my current one and they dropped it to less than half of what it was, though I took an increase in homeowners to do it but I now have better coverage. But that was a relief.

I also got a letter last night from OVR– the state Office of Vocational Services– confirming that I did indeed qualify for services and that I was classified as “most significantly disabled.” That’s merely a classification among the disabled people applying for service, which are also people looking for help with finding a job, receiving training or acquiring assistive technology. So, it’s a category within another specific category in a way.

But there’s a certain dehumanizing that happens with paperwork and services– and it doesn’t matter whether you are applying for a job, for disability-related services or care, or for food stamps. Just like in grant-writing, people and programs and outcomes are reduced to statistics and outcomes. Things that are measurable. Not the personalities or the feel-goodedness.

But then I look back to that photo of the cookies in Grocery Outlet and I can’t help but smile, because these are the moments of life that seem magical.

Welcome February or “Wow, it’s been a month!”

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

I didn’t realize– or perhaps deep down inside I did– that I did not write in this blog at all in the month of January. I have written in the Parisian Phoenix blog, on my Substack, for the Lehigh Valley Armchair Substack, for Kiss and Tell magazine, for press releases and social media…

But not here.

I have spent much time applying for jobs, going on job interviews, and following up with second interviews, and working with my authors at our small publishing company, attending networking events, meeting with other writers and professionals, and grocery shopping at discount retailers like Grocery Outlet and the Dollar Tree.

(Grocery budget has been $25/week, but this week I splurged and bought a baker’s dozen bagels for $9.50 at Panera because they have a sale on Tuesday, and I used my CVS coupons and their sales to buy 2 boxes of KIND breakfast bars, a box of Grape Nuts and a box of Cocoa Krispies for $13.)

My personal favorite cheap meal this month has been these gnocchi from the Dollar Tree, served with a cream sauce I made with butter, lemon, and some artichoke hearts (using the oil they were marinated in). The artichoke hearts and the Barber Foods Chicken Stuffed with Broccoli and Cheese came from Grocery Outlet. The whole meal cost me about $3 per serving. And I used up some half and half that was on its last leg.

If it weren’t for car insurance for the teen and heat (I’ve been keeping the house at a balmy 60 degrees since I had to pay for $600 in furnace repairs in December), I have enough clients to keep me afloat indefinitely even after unemployment runs out in about six weeks. But the uncertainty of it all is hard. My biggest faux pas since my lay off was dropping the oil cap into the engine compartment of my car while topping off my fluids before a winter storm.

Luckily, good old Southern Candy and her son came to my aid and he fished it out for me– took him 45 minutes and the promise of the $50 cash I had in my wallet. I could hear my Dad laughing the entire time. I swear he’s been playing practical jokes on me from the afterlife with all of these little mechanical problems.

Like he’s checking to make sure I can take care of myself.

Sometimes, Daddy, I don’t know.

We had two snowstorms in January. During one of which, the first actually, one of the Teenager’s college friends spent the night. (Photo: Here they are at about 10 p.m. having a snowball fight with one of our neighbors, a high school friend of the Teen.) The College Friend hails from Los Angeles, so this was her first snow. And we bundled her up in home-knit hats and gloves and sent her out to shovel and play in my snow boots. Because Lord knows I am not going out in that if I don’t have to.

I drove over to the Bizzy Hizzy, the now nearly empty Stitch Fix warehouse, to show my daughter the old Freestyle and Pick carts that had been set out for the trash. The carts are laminated, corrugated cardboard so I imagined they deflated pretty badly in all the rain. I explained to her how we used to pick, and showed her the pencil cans we used to hold our water bottles and the heavy-duty page protectors that held the pack slips after installation of the Big Ass Fans blew them out of the carts. Three years, evaporated and erased.

I’m still working out with Andrew at Apex Training and meeting my strength goals even if I am failing at my weight goals. The Teen says I need to be more body-positive, but I know I am regularly showing more than 500 garbage calories into my body for the emotional sensation of it. And I also know that as someone with heart and mobility issues, being overweight is not helping.

In good news though, because I share so much about my journal both as someone with cerebral palsy and someone who finds strength training cool and empowering, several other members of my gym are now setting strength goals and strength training into their routines.

While visiting Nan the other day I got to meet a really cute dog. She’s a French sheep dog. Nan and her owner both told me her breed and now I don’t remember. I asked Siri and she suggested a Wheaten Terrier or a Goldendoodle and both of those are wrong. So, I googled French sheep dog breeds and it suggested a few and I immediately recognized the word “Briard.” And it is indeed a dog that would get stuck in briars.

And last week, the Echo City guys and I went out to Pints & Pies for burgers for the guys and pizza for me. It was a very tasty pizza. I have been dreaming of it and the cold Yuengling draft I had ever since.

The Mystical and the Magickal will find you

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Today, the Teenager and I went to Eva’s Bargain Boutique (the metaphysical store at the Palmer Park Mall that I first mentioned here). I had written on my calendar (or the inside cover of my 2024 Clever Fox planner) that with any purchase at Eva’s today one could receive a free tarot reading.

The Teenager bought incense, an incense holder, candy, tea and who knows what else. And we left. And she said, “Mom, aren’t you getting anything?”

“I told myself I would buy whatever jumped out at me,” I said, “but only one pendant attracted me and I thought I might just be attracted to the color.”

“Show me,” she said.

I did. “What do you think?” I asked.

“You need it.”

“Does it have anything to it?” I asked.

“It’s stable,” she said.

“Is that good?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“It’s not like stable as in dead,” I said.

“Then I’d feel nothing.”

So, I bought it. Feeling slightly uneasy because I spent $20 I probably shouldn’t be spending. As we waited in line for our reading– which turned out to be a past-present-future three card oracle reading– I mentioned the spell candles.

“I really like the various candles with the crystals and the herbs,” I said, “but I feel like that’s cheating and the universe would want me to make my own.”

“For us that might be true,” The Teenager said, “but for the average person, their belief in the candle is enough.”

She helped me put my necklace on– the gold chain beside my silver choker with tiny amethysts. I don’t know how charged they are, but amethysts are supposed to bring calm. Silver and gold might not be the best fashion statement but I like the crystal themes.

Her turn arrived. The reader was Suburban Mom Medium and she had at least two decks with her. The one she used for us was The Woodlawn Wardens Oracle Deck. I fell in love with this deck. She told the Teenager that she was sorry that in the past The Teenager didn’t feel emotionally and/or physically safe, that the present has a lot going on but if she’s patient, good things are happening.

While The Teenager was getting her reading, an old work colleague from my ProJeCt days walked by. I haven’t seen her in years.

Then it was my turn.

My reading looked like this:

I laughed when I saw the rooster. It was my past. I have a bit of a kinship with roosters and chickens. She said I’d had a lot of issues with communication in my past and that is has caused me some trouble. Then, she said I have my head in a lot of different places all the time and I need to take more time for myself. And then there was the bat, which means I need to listen to my intuition.

With that as the closer, I had to show her my bat tattoo, which was my first tattoo.

The Teenager had gone back into the shop to report back to the owner that we were pleased with the reading. Then we continued traversing the mall. The arcade was packed so we didn’t get to play air hockey like we had hope. The Asian Gifts store gave The Teenager bad mojo so we went to the General Store for a coffee and chai. (“The chai was basically sweetened spicy milk,” she later said. “It was good but it was not chai.”)

I had the blueberry crumb latte with the sweetness cut back, and that was good, but not as hot as I would have liked. I enjoyed it though.

And the we went back to Eva’s to ask what my pendant was.

Angel Aura.

From CrystalGemstoneShop.com:

The truth behind aura quartz is that real aura quartz is made from quartz crystals. They aren’t glass, resin, or plastic. They are genuine quartz crystals. Therefore, they contain all the crystal healing properties of quartz. That is the bottom line and the most important aspect for those looking to work with aura quartz for their crystal healing endeavors. An added bonus of aura quartz is that it incorporates divine metals, which bring an added spectrum of crystal healing energies that make many pursue aura quartz’s properties for their own practice.

 Aura Quartz Name/TypeDivine Metal it’s Bonded With
Angel Aura Quartz Creation MeaningAngel Aura QuartzPlatinum & Silver
Crystal Gemstone Shop

I came home and researched it. Angel Quartz is a quartz with an opalescent shine. Aura quartz is a secondary quality quartz fused with gold or titanium to create unique colors. Crystal purists find any variety of Aura Quartz an undesirable freak, whereas the more new agey pagans find it a blend of two worlds.

I came home and followed my instincts to create an end of year ritual to calm me, connect me to my intentionals for the new year and serve as purification.

It used eucalyptus and lavender, involved blue candles, water and a resurrection plant. I posted it to TikTok (and YouTube).

Parisian Phoenix Girls’ Night Out at Boser Geist

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Last week I got a message from fine artist and art book maker Maryann Riker of Justarip Press. She and I have known each other at least 20 years through my newspaper days in Phillpsburg, N.J. I heard about her art books and asked if I could do a piece of them for the paper and before long, I was in her home watching her unfold handmade books over her dryer and kitchen table.

Maryann was also a friend and creative partner of Nancy Scott. I originally met Nancy through the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group. Maryann and Nancy are the art-and-words combo similar to what Gayle and I have.

Maryann invited me, The Teenager and photographer Joan Zachary to meet for a celebratory end-of-year-drink at Bosergeist Brewing at the Easton Silk Mill. (Where we also included Nancy by pranking her. The Teenager can send announcements through Nan’s Alexa. So we sat in BoserGeist, Maryann stealing my beer, making Nan’s Alexa tell her things.)

Maryann thanked me for including her in the Parisian Phoenix crew. Joan and Maryann got to discuss artistic achievements through the year. Everyone celebrated the Teenager’s successful first semester at Lafayette College (A in photography, which made the artists happy, and B+ in her other classes).

We ate appetizers. We tasted craft beers. We laughed. Thank you, all three of you, for such a delightful mix of energies.

Maryann and I drank the last of the vicious peppermint beer that they make every holiday season. Then, I ordered a flight where we enjoyed the chocolate stout, the cranberry cheesecake beer (that had a burst of sweetness reminiscent of a smartie candy), the prickly pear and the “walking in the winter wonderland” which when cold did not appropriately show its flavors, but as it warmed tasted more and more like gingerbread.

Large Object, or more adventures with Nan

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

This morning, I had to emerge from my holiday fever dream for some reality– luckily, it was a meeting with my good friend, mentor and partner-in-crime Nan.

If you’re not a regular, Nan and I have been working together for a decade. I’m an author assistant of sorts for her. She’s congenitally blind and a super-talented writer and editor. That’s why she’s one of the team at Parisian Phoenix Publishing.

Nan had written an essay, a humorous essay, “Large Object,” about my daffy life and my ineptness with my own calendar.

I slightly overslept, perhaps because of my killer strength workout last night– I benched 100 pounds with Andrew at Apex Training to meet my “Christmas Challenge.”

It wasn’t a good lift– but it was two sloppy reps that I technically lifted off my chest.

What was even more exciting was the full-body engagement I experienced during the lift. I haven’t been taking my muscle relaxer, Baclofen, and my legs have been stiff (and I wonder if some other symptoms I have had recently relate back to skipping meds) so I cramped pretty badly during the lifts. I came home and took the Baclofen and have continued it today, especially since yesterday I had a small trip.

So by the time I hauled my butt from bed on this damp, rainy, uncharacteristically 50-degree December day, I decided to take a Wawa coupon and get a free egg white, cheddar, honey turkey and spinach Shorti (with hot honey for the condiment) and man was that both basic and satisfying. (My blood pressure has been high, and up until yesterday I had been completely forgoing caffeine but that’s another story.)

I then swung by Panera for my free iced coffee as a member of the Sips Club. I love Panera’s coffee. This all meant going to Nan’s house backwards– which was a tad confusing especially in the rain. Do you ever do that? Get confused because you’re going the opposite way as usual on familiar roads?

The essay Nan wanted to cover was, like I mentioned above, “Large Object.” I giggled so hard while typing this because she captured the whole scenario so vividly. She also allowed me to do some footage for TikTok to introduce her on our Parisian Phoenix TikTok account.

From her essay:

Angel had a doctor’s appointment, a writers’ group audit and a job interview already on her calendar. As she checked her upcoming days, she suddenly started to laugh.

“Oh my,” she said, “on Monday, my calendar says, ‘LARGE OBJECT.’ I have no idea what I meant.” 
I quipped, “What? The meteor will hit your roof? The dinosaur will arrive in your backyard Monday morning? Santa’s sleigh practicing badly?”

Nancy Scott

The essay mentioned our love of planners, and I told Nan I finally got around to reviewing all of them that I had ordered for 2024. Then, I showed her the “winner.” And once again she ooo-ed and ahh-ed and lamented that if she only had the sight to see these calendars. And one day, I promised we would look for Braille versions.

Upon returning home, I prepared the TikTok video and received some packages as part of the Amazon Vine program. Once was a surprise for the Teen. And it made her very happy. A corset. Frankly, I was relieved it fit.

The Rejected Planner Series

Angel Ackerman 1 Comment

The Teenager proposed celebrating Yule this year, and including Christmas as part of that. As we are beyond broke, and participating in Amazon’s Vine Review program we both had no money for or need of stuff.

The season has been full of ups and downs, some lovely moments with the Teen and some interesting kerfuffles because we’re spending a lot of time in the house. It’s been two years since my father died and I can’t help but feel rejected by my family.

But I’m surrounded by good friends and my community at Parisian Phoenix, and I have made strong connections in 2023, even with the loss of my job at Stitch Fix leading to some relationships dissolving there as well.

But over the last few days, inspired by my dear blind friend Nancy Scott, I did a six or seven part series on TikTok exploring the planners and journals I have accumulated with the best intentions for 2024. And today I finished that series and combined them all on YouTube.

If any of you watch all 40-minutes of this, you’re insane.

Please, as always, consider buying books or simply reviewing books by your favorite “small” author. Keep us going– emotionally or financially.

Road Trip! (Off to Brooklyn)

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Last week, I had the opportunity to head out to Brooklyn and I had a great time– it was a fact-finding mission for someone I guess I can call a new client (since I’ve written 7,000 words on the project so far). I probably haven’t set foot in New York City for a decade, which is hard to believe but true. Most of my metropolitan travel these days takes me to Washington, D.C., and not to the Big Apple.

The trip in took 90 minutes, the trip out took three hours. Luckily, the company was good. I took about 25 pages of notes that day and got to talk with people who reminded me of some of the bright spots of my childhood. Italian food will do that.

I wanted to take a minute to share my from-the-car (and edited) photography.

The Monday errands on a budget

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

So, The Teenager’s (now College Student’s) car won’t start and today I needed my car for a 10 a.m. chiropractor appointment. I’ve noticed over the last couple days some of my random hip/leg issues have stopped causing discomfort so that is awesome. The chiropractor is less than a block from The Teenager’s college campus, so I headed out a little early and did the last touches on this week’s Parisian Phoenix Substack newsletter. Are you interested in my little publishing company’s newsletter? If so, click here. Today I talked a bit about technology and privacy.

The Teenager’s first class was at nine, and my appointment was at ten, so that left me the dilemma of how to organize my day into pieces that fit our combined schedule. I completed the computer work I wanted to finish before 9:30 and I even got to watch the street sweeper comb the neighborhood. I read some of Stephanie Parents gothic D/s (of the impact play, not the sexual kind) mystery in the reception area. I found my favorite passage of the book so far:

“The trouble with this sort of exorcism was that when it ended, when Jack stopped spanking her, nothing had changed. She hadn’t split open, and nothing had spilled out from inside of her…”

The Briars, Chapter Nine (Claire)

I left the chiropractor at about 10:15 a.m., and I needed to use the restroom. I also thought I could swing out to the Forks Township Dollar Tree because I need some items, and I’m trying to stock my kitchen on an extreme budget. I have $74 left in my wallet in cash, and anything in my checkbook is for the bills these days.

It’s free coffee with any purchase Monday at Dunkin, but I wasn’t in the mood for iced coffee and that particular Dunkin requires a key for the bathroom. I usually get three munchkins for $1.29 and feed them to the dog. But today, I opted for a Diet Coke from McDonalds. I could just go in the backdoor and use the restroom and leave, but I try not to be that person.

I opened my app and ordered a large Diet Coke for $1.49 plus tax and redeemed some of my reward points from those previous Diet Cokes for a hashbrown. Then I used my “Apple Cash” to pay the $1.58. I didn’t realize that I’ve never stepped inside that McDonald’s– it’s all reclaimed wood with a stone look and oversized cushioned stools at the table.

I headed over to the next plaza to visit The Dollar Tree and discovered they don’t have refrigerated cases. Perhaps because it’s so close to a Giant Food Store and/or because it’s a more upscale neighborhood. I spent $13.08 from my cash and got some staples, some candy and the cornerstone of one meal.

  • Guacamole Flavored Tortilla Chips
  • Potato Gnocchi
  • Hunts Garlic and Herb Sauce
  • 10 flour tortilla
  • Sandwich slice pickles
  • Self rising white corn meal blend on clearance for 50 cents
  • Yoohoo for The Teenager to surprise her
  • Canned Peas
  • Canned Diced Potatoes
  • Black Licorice
  • Wallably Hot Cinnamon Licorice

(Which reminds me that I made the turkey hot dogs I bought at Dollar Tree last week. Eight hot dogs for $1.25. I fried them in the skillet until they were crisp and seasoned them with garlic pepper, crushed red pepper and smoked paprika. Even the Teenager had to say, “How did you manage to make these taste so good?”)

From there, back to campus to retrieve the Teen. We also stopped at CVS for our medicine ($1). The Teenager made wanting eyes at the Jelly Belly Candy Canes that I thought were $3.99. I picked them up because I had a $3 off coupon I knew would expire before we set foot in CVS again. It turned out they were $5.19! For candy canes! But after my coupons, they were $1.96.

Then we came home and I opened the package from Amazon, of my own books from my own publishing house because Amazon has them on sale so cheap right now I can get them cheaper from there versus shipped from the distributor.

I cleaned up the kitchen, tried to declutter, and then ate the rest of the hot dogs for lunch. After some correspondence with friends, I came out to the sunporch to finish my Diet Coke and let the dog enjoy the porchy porch.

Pregaming Thanksgiving

Angel Ackerman 1 Comment

If you miss my ridiculous banter, you may want to visit ParisianPhoenix.com because most of my activities now relate to the publishing company because I’m trying to develop enough business to make a living now that Stitch Fix has closed its Bethlehem warehouse.

Speaking of Stitch Fix, one of my friends who has gotten fixes religiously since I started with the company got an email today that whatever warehouse shipped her fix instead of ours did not scan the package as it left the facility so neither Stitch Fix nor the carrier has a record of it. Therefore, if she does not receive a fix today or tomorrow, she is to let them know as then they have reason to believe it is lost.

Yup. Did I ever mention that we were the most efficient, safest working warehouse in the network?

Random Cat Photo:
Touch of Gray

Anyway, back to my day. I started my day assisting the Teenager with course registration at her college. She is studying BS psychology and had a good plan. She had courses and backup courses and I planned on catching up with my NaNoWriMo word count (if you don’t know what NaNo is or you have opinions about the NaNo controversary, my take is here) before meeting Nan and a poet friend.

She could not get into ANY of her classes, nor ANY of her backups, nor ANY classes at all in her department. With my help, we found Intro to Women’s/Gender/Sexuality studies, Theory of Religion and Intro to Sociology. She’s also hoping– but probably doesn’t have a chance–to get into astronomy. The professor was on of her pet-sitting clients.

With this new course load, I think she should apply for an interdisciplinary major of her own design, the new BA in Cult Leadership.

I managed to pull 500 words for my novel before heading out to get Nan.

I decided to give Nan her “Christmas present” early. I put that in quotes because I would have gotten it for her regardless of the season. It kept popping up on the available Amazon Vine items that I can review. If you’ve heard about Nan enough, I probably don’t have to tell you she LOVES NASA. She has followed the space program since before man landed on the moon.

Nan won’t go out for the day if there’s a NASA event going on. She has cable simply so she can watch NASA TV.

I got her a decorative desk piece that has an astronaut on the moon with some sort of moon lander or rover. And the space suit has a ledge where you can place your cell phone and the lander thing is a pencil can. The most impractical gift for a blind person. It’s a sculpture you can’t see, with features for items you don’t use.

I’m relieved to say– she loved it. She loves that she can put her two pens that she keeps for sighted friends on her desk. She loves that the sculpture has enough detail that she can look at it. And she loves that for the first time, she has something space-themed she can display.

We took it up to her room and arranged it on her desk and headed to our appointment. We had made arrangements to meet a new friend, we’ll call her the Italian Poet. We were workshopping some of her poems.

Now here’s some motivation/inertia for you: If you write, paint, photograph, whatever, you must find others who share your artistic sensibilities and draw from their energy. Sometimes you share feedback, sometimes you seek inspiration together. Sometimes you learn, sometimes you teach. But the union of people in a space can build spirits and keep you going.

And after Italian Poet encouraged me to pursue my educational goals and I prodded her to finish her Ph.D., Nan and I embarked on our annual tradition: Gobbler bowls at Wawa.

We live a simple existence. Then we taste-tested a peppermint watermelon sparkling water. Nan did not approve. I did. But, as Nan says, I do seek out the weird stuff.

The Teenager used Nan and I for a photography project.

I went to the gym for leg day where I squat 120 pounds on the barbell for eight solid reps. Definitely liking that!’

When survival means blending the personal and the professional

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This week I have been laid off for two months. It’s hard to believe how the time slips by so quickly. I look at my calendar, perplexed at how it can always be so full and wondering if it will ever yield anything of note. And perhaps it doesn’t even matter.

I haven’t offered much in the way of personal blogging recently. I have been piecing together clients, hustling to make a buck, volunteering and showing up more than I should in order that I might build relationships that go somewhere. I hope some of the ties I have forged in the last eight weeks will create the kind of ties that yield interpersonal rewards even if they don’t present professional ones. Because in the end, if you foster the personal relationships, people trust you with their business.

But I realized yesterday, that I spend probably 8-12 hours a day reading, writing and/or editing and my poor brain never gets a break. So, I called Southern Candy and invited her over. She brought our favorite doughnuts (ours meaning she, myself, and The Teenager; flavor, sour cream) and despite the fact that I had a discount milkshake from Sheetz for lunch, I had a dougnut for dinner.

It looks like I gained back every ounce of weight I had lost since the gym initiated its Christmas resolutions challenge. With about eight weeks to go, my hopes of reaching my goal had dwindled thanks to free Big Macs and too much Dollar Tree snack products.

My mobility has been rocky. When my gait is stable, my pain seems high. When I’m not in pain, I tend to fall. Since I’m unemployed, I applied for medical assistance and if approved, maybe I could do some physical therapy. I can always use physical therapy.

As if reading my mind, I received an email today from my caseworker at Susquehanna Service Dogs about creating my Personal Placement Plan or my P3. I scheduled that Zoom meeting for the end of the month and have to say it’s exciting to think about what my service dog might be able to do.

It’s also interesting to see how different people react to a lay-off. I’ve had people seem as if there’s something wrong with me that I haven’t found a new job yet. I’ve had friends and clients ask if The Teenager and I are financially okay. And I’ve heard some interesting news that some people think they know and influence my financial affairs even though they haven’t spoken to me since before the lay-off.

The holidays are coming up, with Thanksgiving kicking off the season next week, and with so many family members who seem to have disappeared, including my mother and stepmother who don’t reach out to me anymore and I don’t understand why, I’ll be trying to create my own traditions and my own sense of what I want my life to be. But sometimes, and lately more often than usual, I miss my family.