Category essay

21st Century Witchcraft: Why I’m no longer “Christian”

Angel Ackerman 3 Comments

I proposed a topic of discussion with my daughter the other day, the manifestation of witchcraft in contemporary culture.

“Witchcraft” is all around us.

Now I’m not old enough to say anything about the 1960s, but it seems that’s when American spirituality tried to break from religion in the form of rote brainwashing.

Now, don’t read me wrong.

I merely mean that traditionally, religion begins in the family and people typically follow the same spiritual tenets their parents did.

That’s how the system works and how religion and patriarchy go hand-in-hand. But that’s not my point for today nor a conversation I’m willing to have with the internet-at-large. At least not today or anytime soon.

My mother drove me to a local United Methodist Church on Sundays. Even though religion was not a core of my home life, that experience of attending a church shaped my mind.

And for a long time I was strongly Christian.

Attending a liberal arts college (Moravian College), exposed me to other religions for the first time. Maybe I was ignorant and/or blind, but my small town, rural upbringing did not expose me to anything beyond Christian. This was pre-9/11 so concepts like Jewish and Muslim were foreign to me.

And then I had to take my three religion courses for my requirements. I took Old Testament, Religions of China and Japan and maybe something else I can’t recall right now.

Studying the Old Testament’s origins shook my faith in new ways. Yet, my experiences reassured me that the universe has an order and inherent creative power.

Around this time, one of my mother’s friends gave me a Ryder-Waite tarot deck and I really fell in love with Taoism.

So now, I’m a college student dabbling in other religions convinced I’m going to hell for divination.

Present day me might be going to hell for a lot of reasons. Tarot is merely one. But I don’t believe in hell. I can’t believe a god that loves us enough to sacrifice for us would condemn us to hell. I can’t believe a God that promotes forgiveness would condemn us.

I’m no longer “Christian.” My lack of faith in Christianity has nothing to do with Jesus Christ. I just believe that Christianity is a system of bribery and reward. Institutionalized Christianity focuses too much on a Biblically-mandated moral code that prescribes what we need to do to receive eternal life in Heaven.

I want to do what’s right because I’m a good person, not because of repercussion or reward.

That’s not to say I feel Christians, church or religion is bad.

A genuine faith community is a powerful source of support and good, for individuals, families and neighborhoods.

I have met and interacted with deeply beautiful Christians who improve the lives of others through their generosity and faith. I have worshipped with many faith groups that move me to tears.

I believe in my own spiritual concepts and my own higher power. Those are personal to me and they impact how I live my life.

In my next post:

21st Century Witchcraft: Magic in the everyday

Friday: “It’s so basic”

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment
  1. Kittens/laundry
  2. Bird/plucking update
  3. Coffee smell better
  4. It’s so basic

That’s the list I typed for myself early this morning to remind me what the heck I wanted to write tonight.

But let’s go out of order from my original list. It’s Friday let’s go wild.

The smell improves

You may have heard that Nala, my four-year-old Goffin’s cockatoo who swindled me into bringing her home early last month, rather dramatically spilled my coffee into my rather cheap lime green bedroom rug.

I attacked the area with some lavender Johnson & Johnson’s baby soap. As of tonight, the smell of stale coffee has dissipated unless you are on the floor.

So, stay off my floor.

Kitten update

Day 2 of letting our two kittens roam the house. They are drawn to the laundry room and as kittens do, they tear all the laundry down. First they drug the sheets everywhere. Then the knocked down my blouses. Then they tackled all the towels.

Kittens.

I used to fold all the laundry nicely and pile it in the laundry room to put away during the weekend. I also left the dry laundry linger on the drying rack.

Guess everything needs to be put away right away. Leave it to those silly kittens to find the one lazy arena of my household routines.

But Opie is doing his best to babysit. Opie and the kittens are all exhausted by the end of the day.

Nala’s plucking

She’s got her wings pretty badly stripped.

I keep telling her she’ll never be able to fly if she keeps this up. The ladies at the pie shop suggested I get her a companion.

My teenager can vouch for me. This bird is spoiled and loved!

I came home for lunch today and spent time with her and put on Shrek the Musical for her.

“It’s so Basic.”

  • My thought for the day:

I found myself scraping dried cat food off a spoon at 6 a.m., again, because the teenager more often than not forgets to rinse her dirty dishes.

And I ask myself all the time, “how?” She’s not an idiot, so why is it such a challenge to remember to rinse the dishes.

Husbands and wives are also prone to situations like this. One partner can’t quite fathom why the other doesn’t find something as common sense as the other.

Then I found myself thinking even more.

After all, I’m an extremely intelligent and self-aware person. But as a new(er) employee, in a brand new career path, I’m sure some people at my office look at me and wonder how I miss things that to them are completely basic.

It’s a profound reminder of how different our experiences and points of view are.

For example, my teenager learned to change a tire by watching her father change one of my flats. Once. She keeps saying she’ll teach me, because it’s really easy. It’s so basic.

I told her I’ll join AAA, it’s easier. And after six months of trying to stop by the AAA office, I finally thought to join online.

And it turns out that AAA remembers me from the membership I had before the teenager was born. It won’t let me join online because it’s a renewal and I can’t renew online because you need your membership card.

Seriously?

PS–

I also went grocery shopping today. Bought a ridiculous pile of stuff from Grocery Outlet.

Highlights include:

  • Matcha protein drink
  • Protein cold brew
  • Pecan yogurt smoothie
  • Fish pie
  • Epic pork rinds
  • Various noodles
  • Parsnips
  • Blood oranges
  • Marinated feta

I started some chicken bone broth in the crockpot, so by Sunday night I’ll be able to make homemade chicken soup with carrots, parsnips, potatoes and alphabet noodles for dinner Monday night.

Birds and Beds

Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

So this morning while I was cuddling Nala, she slipped off my shoulder, and of all things, she grabbed my full, fresh, hot cup of coffee.

She pulled it off the table and spilled it in my bed and all over my carpet.

Then she was very mad at me for letting her fall.

I cleaned up the coffee, removing the soiled blanket. I started keeping an older blanket on my bed in case Nala has an accident. I never meant in case she spilled a cup of coffee.

Before I finish the tale of bedding and coffee, I have to tell you I am very worried about Nala plucking. She’s really stripped the edges of her wings. I try to relieve her anxiety and keep her entertained, but she has really regressed the last two weeks.

And that upsets me. She’s a lovely bird.

But now, my room smells heavily of coffee. While I enjoy a good cup of coffee, old coffee smell in my room is gross.

So I was just scrubbing my rug with a towel and some Johnson’s lavender baby soap “finding” and attacking the smell.

A friend heard me tell the tale and asked if I had enough bedding to keep myself warm. Oh, but do I!

I have on the bottom of my bed, my electric blanket usually on high.

Next I have my vibrant pink sheets with the big white polka dots. They aren’t as soft as my white sheets with the pink and orange confetti but they are so happy.

I love polka dots.

Love, love, love.

Let’s see… next is my 12-pound weighted blanket with the super fuzzy pale grey duvet cover. It’s only a throw so it’s not quite big enough for my liking. But I got it significantly on sale.

I had borrowed my neighbor’s blanket, and I think she has the 18-pound. Now I’m 130 lbs so technically the 18-pound is way too heavy for me, but I liked it.

If I’m honest, sometimes that blanket was so heavy, and the way it rested against my body, I could almost imagine it was the weight of a man against me.

That was the nicest part of the 18-lb versus the 12-pound weighted blanket.

And on top of that is my fairly standard queen duvet with a gleaming yellow duvet cover. With flowers. The other side is gray paisley. When I bought it I wanted it for the paisley, but it turned out I thought the paisley was lackluster and I love the screaming yellow.

But that’s not all.

I also have this odd, really really thick custom-made jersey blanket from my mother-in-law. She crafted it for me as a Christmas present as she knows I am always cold. She picked colors to match my vivid pink and bright teal bedroom.

And on top of that, I have the throw blanket my husband bought me as a Christmas present months before our marriage ended. He bought the teen and I the same throw. It’s soft and so fuzzy it feels like you are petting a cat. It reminds me of my deceased cat, Zoot.

Zoot is the cat in the back. This photo is probably 5 years old. Oz is in the front. Opie, in the middle, still has 4 legs. And Zoot is probably about 15. She looks old.

An average day

Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

This will be a walk through my day today, a tad random, a tad sporadic.

This will include lots of silly animal posts.

But let’s start with my alarm at 6 a.m. I let myself sleep in because my rest has been irregular. I’ve had mild bouts of insomnia brought on by stress and hormones so it was hard to get out of bed.

A French Dream

I woke from a dream I don’t quite fully remember but I remember when the alarm sounded, I was dreaming that I had reached the end of some sort of tour, while on a trip, and was ordering alcoholic beverages for everyone in my party in French. I think I was the only person who spoke French. And I really was speaking French. I don’t usually speak French in dreams.

Perhaps this stems from my executive director eating a vegetable sandwich on a croissant at the networking event we attended last night.

Speaking of work, today started better and I feel a little less discombobulated about my job. I have an important report due Friday and three grants I need to have ready by Valentine’s Day.

Then the high school called.

An automated message informed me that my child was not in school. Text to teenager, who left at 7:15 with a heavy backpack. “You in school?”

No response.

(A sign that she is in school and not on her phone.)

“The school just called. They don’t think you’re there.”

She responds. “Sh*t. I must have forgotten to sign in.”

I tell her to fix that and to text me a photo from the school office holding today’s newspaper. She didn’t respond to my comment, though she did tell me she talked to the attendance office.

I had lunch with a friend who always lightens my spirit and has intelligent conversation. I’ve worked so many hours this week, I need to remember to make these connections.

And you always need those friends who give good hugs. A friend who bakes brownies is also good.

The afternoon went quickly and I decided my teenager and I would have a picnic. I took the leftover pizza from last night and a big old salad and we ate it on my bed with all the animals out, normally (to my chagrin) the kittens are locked in my teenager’s room.

Menagerie tales

So the kittens ran through the whole house, up and down the stairs, up and down the hall.

And, of course, Nala, the cockatoo, refused to eat salad in favor of pizza. Video of Nala eating pizza

Then I hung laundry and watched Opie, our 3-legged cat, play with the kittens.

Videos:

Misty attacks Opie

Opie and the kittens

My sore arm and the gym

I opted not to go to the gym as I’m still not sure I’ve recovered my strength. That fall scared me. A lot.

(See Grit and getting published on The Mighty.)

I have noticed my right arm has that vaguely sore feeling like after you get an inoculation. I couldn’t figure out why. Then I remembered, I fell on that arm. And I also noticed a bruise on my elbow. And a new bruise and scratch on my leg.

Finally

After teenager and I gathered the trash, I hopped in the shower. I found the teen “trapped” on my bed with an Oz on her back.

And now I’m drinking a double stiff mug of Traditional Medicinals Nighty Nite Valerian tea.

Grit and getting published on The Mighty

Angel Ackerman 9 Comments

I binge-watched Ryan O’Connell’s Special on Netflix and it resonated with me so much I wrote an essay about it for The Mighty.com, a social media platform for people with disabilities and their caretakers.

I’ve been so stressed out at work I didn’t notice they published it two weeks ago and that it was also republished on Yahoo News: My piece on Yahoo News

Today was a not a good day, but with my normal pluck and good attitude I tried. Sadly, I left work feeling like a disappointment and a failure. But I had a nice supper with a friend and my daughter.

My daughter replaced my chipped phone screen protector so I’ll no longer get bits of glass in my fingers. I have a Bodygardz protector so I ordered a replacement. I can get 1 per year at $8.

We went to the store for bagels and cream cheese and there wasn’t a bagel anywhere in the store.

The teenager and I went to the gym. I fell in the parking lot, smashed my elbow and, if you hadn’t guessed it, chipped my new phone case and screen protector.

I didn’t work out at the gym. Just cried in the locker room and came home.

Because the stress of my job, coupled with the stress of running the household by myself for the last seven months, is taking a toll. My cerebral palsy is “getting worse.”

My mind is strong, but my body is breaking.

A new Target run?

Angel Ackerman 3 Comments

8 a.m. Originally my friend Nancy and I planned to go to the Grocery Outlet. Nancy is blind and likes to shop with me because of my love of food, how frugal I am and my eye for weird stuff.

I start looking at my list, and at my emails, and I realize for much of my list I can shop at Target. I worked at Target up until the middle of last year so I know Super Bowl weekend is a big grocery sale weekend. The things you learn working almost 9 years at the Bullseye.

It also looks like with the switch from Simply Balanced to Good and Gather, corporate strategy has moved into trendier products. Like vegan, Gluten free and other high-end groceries.

Our local Target is very middle of the road. I wonder how many of these products won’t be available because we aren’t a community high enough on the socio-economic scale.

10 a.m. Picking up Nancy. It’s always better to get in and out of Target before noon on weekends.

10:10 a.m. Arrive at Target and start to see old work friends. Wendy, my trainer from cash office, and Courtney, who used to supervise me in the front end, both meet Nan. And Nan almost shakes hands with a box instead of Courtney.

In their defense, Courtney was holding a box and a Frappuccino so she was too slow maneuvering.

We treated ourselves to a drink at Starbucks, made by my soon to be ex-husband’s niece, who is a dental hygienist on weekdays.

10:30 a.m. Shopping begins. I was hoping for some clearance hosiery, no luck. There were some beautiful clearance boots (and I am rapidly running out of shoes) but nothing under a size 11.

Run into several former colleagues who want to say hi and help Nan look for a can opener. There are five to choose from but we still can’t find the right one.

Run into a colleague from my current job.

Ran into the widower of one of my Target colleague whom I worked with very closely in food service. She died of cancer two years ago.

Discover my favorite deodorant is up to $8 and they changed the formula so my rose and vanilla is now rose and black pepper.

11 a.m. We finally hit the “Market” section, which is what Target calls grocery. There’s a lot of hit or miss. Avocados are an amazing value at 79 cents each, but the avocados themselves are lackluster. Most of the produce seems beyond it’s prime.

That’s a big problem with groceries at Target. Fresh produce isn’t culled regularly and the non perishables are often way out of date. I’ve found items on the shelves that the use by date is more than a year out of date. So you really have to check everything.

I know for a fact that the employees try, but the more Target increases wages, the more each employee needs to do. Retail survives by keeping employees at part-time hours so they don’t have to offer benefits and then they schedule at ridiculously low levels so it’s a challenge to keep the store properly manned. This isn’t just a Target problem. It’s the whole corporate/consumerism system.

People want cheap stuff with no concern for quality, its longevity, how it was produced, impact on the environment or the community, or whether or not they need it.

But that’s another tangent entirely.

I didn’t find many new products nor did I find some of the sale items I had wanted.

Noon Nan and I head to the front end.

I bought $100 in groceries and earned a $10 gift card, but I also didn’t appropriately load the $20 in gift cards I already had.

Highlights of my purchases:

  • The $7 giant tub of peanut butter pretzels. It was on sale and it’s the perfect pre-workout snack. Listen to me, I’m under some delusion that I will be going to the gym.
  • Doritos. The ultimate stress food. I shouldn’t even buy them but $2 a bag.
  • An $8 pork loin for $3. Expiring. But I can toss it in the crockpot for dinner tomorrow.
  • Turkey Perky jerky. On Target Circle for 30 percent off. Going in my desk drawer at work for those days where workload means lunch doesn’t happen until 2 or 3.
  • Waterloo sparkling water. $3 for eight cans. I got it as a treat. I wanted to try the watermelon flavor.
  • A giant bottle of white vinegar for $2.29. I use it instead of fabric softener. Cheaper, less chemical-y and less slimy that traditional fabric softener.
  • I got some canned carrots and peas. I don’t normally do canned veggies but if I want to make a shepherd or cottage pie, they will be perfect.
  • Cafe Mosaica and Traditional Medicinals Nighty Nite Valerian. My favorite coffee and my favorite pre-bedtime tea. Both on sale.
  • Smoked Paprika. $3.39 for the tiny spice bottle. Another splurge. But it’s amazing. It’s Gaz Oakley’s favorite spice and he has me hooked. If you haven’t looked up Avant Garde Vegan on YouTube, do it. His recipes are usually easy and delicious. Regardless of your dietary preferences.
  • Another splurge (which I ate for lunch): Birds Eye shaved Brussel sprouts. $3.19 a bag which is supposed to be two servings. But I sprinkled some imitation bacon bits on top and ate them for lunch with a side of Doritos.

  • Caulipower Pizza was on Target Circle for 20% off. They are normally $7 but with the discount and the sale price it was $5. Nan has wanted to try them so I will make it for her when she comes over for dinner Monday. I love them, but I’m not paying $7.
  • And ice cream. I promised the teenager malted milk shakes this weekend so I bought a pint of vanilla bean ice cream for $1.79. They have some very odd flavors in the full size containers, including my old favorite Unicorn and the new Mermaid. But I had to buy Rainbow because it has strawberry rhubarb swirl. And there is a Breakfast Cereal variety with, no lie, cinnamon toast flavored ice cream.

My soft heart

Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

It’s almost 10 pm.

Sobaka has gone home, so I am alone in my bed.

I’ve had a long hard week month. But I know next month will be easier.

I closed Nala and the budgies alone in my room when I went to work, started Sesame Street to keep Nala company and made the decision not to come home for lunch because I can only stay 10 to 15 minutes and that might cause more confusion and anxiety than it prevents.

And Nala seemed fine when I got home but she may be missing a few more neck feathers. I adopted the bird version of a “cutter.”

The teenager had some friends over, and I agreed to drive one of them home. I retrieved Nala after work and introduced her.

But Sobaka got jealous, barked a lot and so when I tried to put Nala on the dishwasher, Nala bit me, hard. I flinched, that’s the best way I can describe it and Nala almost fell off me. We were both disoriented and I felt terrible for not alleviating Nala’s distress.

We had tea together as I did some kitchen chores and then I brought Nala up to the quiet bedroom, leaving the dog with the teenagers.

Harry Belafonte’s “Angelina”didn’t even brighten her mood and that’s her favorite song.

And then I played a trick on her. About 7 pm, I started watching Gordon Ramsay in my room in the dark hoping Nala would fall asleep before I needed to chauffeur the high school children.

At 7:30, I left the iPad playing and crept out of the room in the dark. Nala yelled for me, but I had to go. When I returned an hour later, she didn’t hear me come in the front door. I think she went to sleep!

As if my soft heart doesn’t have enough to deal with, YouTube has been suggesting I watch a video of a kitten name Smurf who was given to a dog as a chew toy. My daughter watched it, and assured me it had a happy ending but I couldn’t endure it.

It just makes me ask again and again why people are so selfish and cruel.

And I said to my beautiful daughter, “That’s why I don’t want to separate those kittens. They are siblings. They deserve to be together.”

She tells me again that the latest kitten (whom we call “Fog”) is terrified of her and that her friend will be the best home. That we can’t afford and don’t need four cats.

She’s right.

But they are cute babies and I want to be sure they have a good and happy life.

Pout.

Nails

Angel Ackerman 4 Comments

I started getting manicures and pedicures about four years ago because I love having pretty nails, but I tend to be very sloppy doing them myself.

I had started working a little side gig helping my blind author friend with her typing and submission management.

That gave me just enough money for manis and pedis.

Being such a high energy person, just having an hour or two to sit and be pampered did wonders for my hardworking, child raising soul.

And I also realized my toenails were getting thicker. With my bad eyesight, it’s hard for me to trim them. Working retail 8-9 hours a day, that led to a lot of pain when my toenails rubbed against my shoes.

Normally my nails are nice, and long, and hearty. But the stress of life right now has them short and brittle.

So to help them recover, I’m getting acrylics. I have never had fake nails. I’ve always been vehemently opposed to them and a tad disgusted by them.

I’m sharing this new journey with you. This blog never stays the same.

It looks like the first step is to apply fake tips to extend length. The nail is prepped, the extension is trimmed and shaped. In my case, I like almond nails.

Then the acrylic is applied evenly across the nail.

Then the polishing can commence. Once the shape and thickness is perfected.

And my nail tech slimes up my nails with Neosporin because your hands take a beating.

So pretty!

I took another photo on the way to get pizza.

After my appointment, my nail tech and I grabbed a pizza and some wine.

Nala even danced to “Angelina” for her!

Monday successes (kitten!) and Dollar Tree finds

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

So I had my annual physical today. I adore my physician. I’ve struggled to find a doctor that, honestly, gave the impression that he cared whether I lived or died.

I got my flu shot. Better late than never, right?

We interrupt this blog entry to say… I just got a text from my teenager who disappeared while I was on the phone… Misty’s final sibling has been trapped.

Sardines.

But I get ahead of myself.

I went to the doctor this morning and apparently they have a calculation for your risk of heart attack, stroke or other heart disease or something like that in the next ten years. Mine was 0.5%. But my blood pressure was also super high due to stress. I need to keep an eye on that.

And today I went to the gym. Did ten minutes on the treadmill. Did 15 minutes worth of weight training. Really I could do the weights at home and walk around the neighborhood… and if I don’t start working out in earnest I may do that. Cancel the gym and use what I have at home.

In other updates:

I made an Asian-inspired chicken for dinner that was amazing.

I put the candy the teenager bought me in a pretty jar. Ate some yesterday. Have been good today. I don’t think this is what they mean by eat your colors.

And we stopped at the Dollar Tree to get sardines to trap Misty’s siblings and I got groceries. And not processed junk either.

They had lentils, cheddar cheese and riced cauliflower in dollar-sized portions. I forgot to check the sodium on the cauliflower… usually riced cauliflower is plain. The cheese is real cheese. They had a big bag of shredded cheddar cheese, but it turned out that was cheddar cheese food.

We reunited Misty and her sibling, but that will be a story, with video, for tomorrow.

For this week, we now have:

  • 1 dog
  • 1 cockatoo
  • 2 kittens
  • 2 cats
  • 3 budgies

Heaven help me. I have the start to a petting zoo.

[Do whatever it is] everyday

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Good morning, world. I love morning, as long as dawn is breaking. Every morning is a clean slate.

I’ve been thinking about my efforts recently to blog regularly, which reinforces to me my own voice as I deal with various struggles but it also attests to the power of habit.

Exercise: same thing. It doesn’t matter how ‘hard’ you exercise in the beginning because the true goal is to incorporate the habit as an automatic part of your life.

Same for artists that paint everyday. Same for meditation.

Life is about discipline as much as it is about improvement and skill.

That constitutes my philosophy for the day.

Update on Nala

I originally would wake Nala shortly before 6 a.m. when I turned on my pink bedroom light and started getting ready for work. I would bring her downstairs while I fed the cats and made coffee.

As a working bird mama, I wanted her to have time with me.

But since she refuses to close her eyes at night unless I am in the room, I want her to sleep in. So I’ve been creeping out of my room in the dark every morning and returning when it’s time to clean cages and feed birds.

So far this appears to be good for both of us.