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The Art of Self-Soothing

Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

I haven’t made it a secret that I’ve been struggling. Fitness, stress and work have been heavy on my mind.

And I don’t know about you—but when I’m stressed the habits I need most seem to be the ones that fall first.

First to go is cooking. I love to cook. I love to enjoy a meal. But as soon as I am stressed, I start eating processed foods and pizza, because I like those foods and they are easy. But they take a toll. Even though my weight is healthy, I can still feel the impact of those foods on my body, my stamina, my energy, and my moods.

I’ve worked really hard lately to balance stress eating with healthy eating. I actually brought a frozen dinner to work to eat for lunch earlier this week. I actually crept into my office to eat it in secret because I was embarrassed. I didn’t even enjoy it. I was just lazy.

So I went home and made this casserole:

Now this was a delight: spaghetti squash roasted by the teenager, then I mixed it with tomato sauce, kale, chick peas, feta and Italian cheese blend. I sprinkled in some nutritional yeast for extra vitamins.

Speaking of vitamins, when I’m stressed I stop taking mine. I don’t eat as much at meals when stressed so I don’t have a full enough stomach to take my vitamins. On top of that, then I end up snacking and binge eating chips or Doritos.

Another bad habit when I’m stressed is over-cleaning. In a desperate attempt to control something in my environment, I clean until I exhaust and/or hurt myself.

And if you see me skip a blog entry, that could also signify I’m tapped out.

So how can I self-soothe?

  • Text friends and make arrangements to go out. Today I texted my husband and asked if he could visit me at lunch time. I cried and told him my fears and my struggles. Despite the fact that I asked him to move out in June, and we’ve lived apart with minimal contact for eight months, he hugged me and held me and that made my cry more. I think that was the best hug he ever gave me. He made me feel protected. So I thank him for that.
  • Play with the kittens, cuddle with Nala (my Goffins cockatoo), manhandle one of my older cats or listen to the budgies sing.
  • Watch stand-up comedy. I love stand-up.
  • Shave and moisturize. Something about soft, smooth skin is reassuring.
  • If I’m not going to the gym, I at least need to do physical therapy exercises for my S1 joint in my back and my balance.
  • Write more.
  • Does budgeting count? I hope to do a blog entry on budgeting. I don’t mean paying bills, I mean planning the future use of anticipated income. It also makes me feel in control.
  • Occasionally splurge on a fancy coffee or a treat. But not often enough to qualify as stress eating.

Okay, I’ve shared what I had to share. I’m going to watch some Gordon Ramsay now. Another relaxation technique. Eventually I want to blog about his different shows. He is very prolific.

Nala leads a jail break

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

Nala, my four-year-old Goffins Cockatoo, has had a free range day. She hasn’t plucked in more than a week so that is very exciting.

Her nails have gotten dreadfully long and my neck is now covered with scratches from her sitting on my shoulder.

Yesterday I went to Petco and I bought nail clippers for her. This morning I trimmed most of her nails all by myself. So she can sit on my shoulder again without drawing blood.

(That little stinker has taken to yelling and getting me out of bed in the morning, see the video here: “GET UP!”)

I went about my chores, leaving her sitting on her cage in my bedroom. I checked on her periodically and hung out in my room between other tasks.

My neighbor invited me for coffee and then we decided to go to Target. Since Nala can’t fly, I thought it would be better to leave her out then run into my room just to shove her into her cage and leave.

We were gone about an hour. I came back to my room and she was sitting there like an angel. I reached for her and she stepped up. And at that moment, several budgies swooped my head.

They were in their cage when I left.

The door was closed and it wasn’t open.

How the heck did my budgies get out of the cage?

I looked at Nala as she stood on my wrist.

I gazed to the cage again.

The side food door on the budgie cage was open. The side closest to Nala’s cage. Several items from on top of the budgie cage were on the floor.

That big strong beak had to figure out how to get that door open.

The budgies couldn’t possibly stage a jail break on their own.

Tartuffe at DeSales

Angel Ackerman 1 Comment

Last night, I attended the audio-described performance of Tartuffe at DeSales University last night. The teenager and my blind friend, Nancy, accompanied me.

Act I Productions always does a fantastic job and at this point, I know the staff almost as well as Nancy. (I wrote more about this yesterday, Tartuffe tonight.)

I was technically an English Literature and Language major in college for my first bachelors degree, but probably three-quarters of my degree was actually theatre classes as “Doc” Jack Ramsey was my favorite professor and I was active in the theatre company. I was also technically a French minor, but I was only one class shy of a double major. About a decade after I graduated, I did take an additional French class at my alma mater (Moravian College) and several more at Lafayette College when I earned my second bachelors in International Affairs.

That’s a long-winded way to say I’m a huge nerd who has studied Moliere.

DeSales University has a great theatre department offering majors in various forms of performing arts, so their shows are always top notch.

They offer one performance of every major production as an audio described show for the visually impaired. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, this is a great way to include everyone in theatre.

I also provided my companions with a mini-lesson in farce versus comedy, where farce is quicker paced, has more characters entering and exit, and includes more physical humor than mere comedy.

Additionally we discussed Moliere and 17th Century Drama in general. This particular play is almost 400-years-old. It tackles heavy themes, philosophizing about religion and God (or perhaps religion versus pure spiritual intentions), gullibility, and how to change someone’s mind when they can’t see the truth.

Moliere is only slightly more modern than Shakespeare and, and this is totally my opinion, I find the French drama more accessible, funnier and more sexually-charged than Shakespeare’s canon.

The basic premise, and one that angered the Roman Catholic Church, is that a wealthy man invites a beggar into his home. The beggar, Tartuffe, has demonstrated piety that has impressed the master of the house. Tartuffe then tries to win over the master’s goods and family, and almost succeeds. The family would have been left in ruins, if not for a convenient intervention of the king, which of course, was Moliere’s way of keeping in the good graces of the crown.

The production at DeSales included a brilliant set, the paint hues of the set walls shifted colors based at the lighting. They created the illusion of a huge estate house on a small stage with an amazing display of perspective. They designed a set with six doors, about twelve stairs and three levels in a comparatively small space.

I only noticed maybe two line mix-ups. Acting was solid. I’m starting to recognize some of the actors. I think the daughter and the stepmother might have been my favorite.

I thoroughly liked the translation. It maintained much of the original rhyme without sounding forced in English. And some of the word choice was very rich. I very much enjoyed the vocabulary.

The costumes deliberately code the characters. The daughter and her suitor, as young and naive lovers, wear pink and pale blue. The stepmother wears an elaborate gown of pale blue and a light turquoise. The father wears various shades of blue and purple, but the hot-headed son wears vivid orange.

The religious themes, and the theme of being suckered in and acting stupid, still hold true today. I feel like the American political climate also seems like a “Tartuffe” story.

To purchase tickets: DeSales Calendar: Tartuffe. Show runs next weekend as well.

Tartuffe tonight

Angel Ackerman 3 Comments
Lots of Sunshine

I’m very excited about going to see Tartuffe at DeSales University tonight. They have a strong college theatre program. They offer a program for visually and hearing impaired theatre-goers so my teenager and I attend with our blind friend, Nancy.

The program is a great way to expand my daughter’s horizons as they select great plays and adapt the presentation for other-abled patrons.

For the blind attendees, the cast comes out to introduce themselves. The staff pass out props and discuss how the stage is set.

As someone with a theatre background, it’s an exciting way to connect the experience of the viewer with the technical and magical side of how theatre works.

Some of the shows we’ve seen there:

  • Arthur Miller’s The Crucible
  • Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchard
  • Tennessee William’s The Glass Menagerie
  • Evita

This morning, the teenager is with her dad and I’m doing some household chores. I took down my bedroom curtains and washed the windows. In a few minutes, I’ll be retrieving the curtains from the laundry and hanging them up to dry.

Today’s big adventure might be trimming Nala’s nails.

Grateful

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

This week has been awful but beautiful.

When things get harder, I have to see the magic in the world.

A coworker brought muffins and French butter from Wegmans.

Another coworker came over for a grapefruit margarita.

My daughter and I didn’t see eye-to-eye, but I know she knows I love her and I’m proud of her.

The kittens…

Fog and Mist(ofelees)

And Nala has played with all her toys, she hasn’t plucked recently and went to sleep without someone in the room with her.

Thank you to everyone who supports me.

Two Roads Two Die For and a good friend

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

I had arranged to meet a good friend at the pub last night. Knowing this would be a hard week, I thought a friend would help remind me that I am defined by more than my roles as employee and mother.

Two Die For

We met at a pub within walking distance of both our homes. The bartender—hearing that I’m a fan of stouts and porters—recommended this Two Roads chocolate raspberry stout Two Die For. And he didn’t even know that my favorite beer ever is Samuel Smith’s organic chocolate stout.

I think I just prefer my chocolate in beer form.

In all seriousness, the raspberry gave it just enough sweet undertones to make it very smooth and refreshing. My friend ordered a Bud Light Lime. We shared some fried pickle chips and buffalo chicken fries (perfect dinner for someone on a no hard or sticky food diet for the next two weeks.)

The stories of work, home, kids and animals began. So many animal stories! Around Christmas, her family lost their dog and her daughter found a rescue dog they recently welcomed into their home.

The rescue agency that saved her offered them a trial with the dog, but my friend’s husband was practical in the matter. “Write the check,” he said, “there’s no way you’re giving this dog back.”

The dog has been perfect for their family and has helped them fill the void of their former dog.

It was a refreshing visit and a great beer.

Tooth Update: ten years of dental drama

Angel Ackerman 4 Comments

Let me pour myself a cup of coffee as I digest the chicken burger with avocado I just inhaled. I will tell you a story as I sit and reflect on one of life’s foremost pleasures: enjoying a mediocre meal that tastes like the most amazing food ever specifically because you had a dental emergency and now your mouth is fixed.

That is a run-on sentence but you can deal with it.

Sidewalk splat

It was May 2011. The teenager was in first grade and I was working very part-time at Target and working on my second bachelors degree at Lafayette College.

I walked the child and a neighbor to the elementary school every day. This day was no exception.

I was almost home. But just like the opening sequence in Ryan O’Connell’s Netflix comedy “Special,” I fell.

O’Connell and I share similar experiences with our cerebral palsy. (For more on that, see my article from The Mighty, Grit and getting published on The Mighty.)

Ninety-nine times out of 100, I get up, brush myself off and keep going perhaps with a scratch or a scraped knee.

This day, I faltered on a bad patch of sidewalk, caught my balance, then stepped forward only to unexpectedly lose my balance again. And I didn’t have a chance to put out my hands or collapse into the fall.

My glasses went flying. My phone also sailed away. My chin was the only thing that hit the sidewalk. This was both lucky and unfortunate.

I stood, gathered my things. I knew my chin was bleeding but when I put my glasses on I noticed something:

There was a tooth on the ground.

I was about four houses away from my domicile. But in my shock, I had no recollection where the accident occurred. I called my husband. He demanded I go to the dentist.

At the dentist, the used butterfly bandaids to hold together my chin as they X-rayed me. They encouraged me to head to the ER next. I ended up with two stitches. (Both the ER and the dentist were utterly impressed I hadn’t broken my jaw.)

Dr. Lorri Tomko

Now, my dentist often has other dentists working in her practice. This particular day I had the true, true pleasure of working with Dr. Lorri Tomko. She went CSI on my mouth explaining what had happened.

When I fell, my bottom teeth and top teeth smashed together and damaged each other. I damaged most of my mouth that day. For the next few years, I had a lot of dental work.

Some of it was hard for me and for Dr. Tomko, but she was dedicated and gentle and it helped my anxiety that she walked me through everything that was going to happen.

She’s my favorite dentist ever.

The tooth I spit out was only half a tooth. It was one of the few cavities I had had and the tooth broke around the filling. A really ancient and in my opinion terrible oral surgeon pulled it, reciting the tooth number the entire time. (#29)

I can’t prove it, but I blame him for a bad mouth infection I got upon receiving an implant. He had missed a piece of the original tooth.

Last night’s broken crown

So last night, I spit out a crown while eating candy from my daughter’s recent Universal Yums box. I was frantic when I saw it was my crown and not my implant crown.

That original crown… Dr. Tomko couldn’t get the tooth to numb and she used laughing gas on me and said something about never wanting to work on that tooth ever again. And that we both needed a glass of wine.

I called her office today, but she doesn’t take me insurance and she couldn’t see me until Tuesday.

My normal dentist got me in at 3 pm, but at this point my remaining tooth is stabbing my tongue when I talk, eat or drink.

My dentist could take the impressions and get the temporary crown on. Thank goodness, but my mouth didn’t want to cooperate. I couldn’t stop my gag reflex for the impressions then I wasn’t biting correctly.

Apparently I kept shifting my bite to the left to bite the stuff in my mouth.

You know what’s worse that doing something that triggers your gag reflex? Doing it seven times! No exaggeration. Seven.

And of course, payment was $394. Their regular price was $1250. But my insurance price was $750. But they would only pay 50 percent and I had a copay.

  • If I look at my American Express bill right now it includes (from the last month):
      • $500 for a diagnostic ultrasound for my breast
      $175 for radiology for that ultrasound
      $400 for the dentist
  • Ridiculous.
  • Go ahead, politicians of a certain type, telling me again that the system isn’t broken. Corporations run this country. And medical insurance is big business.

    • A stop at the beer store

    Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

    I stopped at the beer store on the way home from work. My days have been increasingly more difficult.

    Sigh.

    I’m trying really hard to do a great job at my “new” career path. But it’s hard to change fields sometimes. Sometimes people do things to help AND hurt your feelings at the same time.

    Since I started writing grants 9 months ago, I have submitted 22 grants (okay, I think it’s 19 grants and 3 contracts) so I must be doing something right, right?

    Beer Store Goodies

    So to wash down this not-so-good day, I bought Rita’s Fruit Margaritas in the giant can, Yuengling and snacks— some chips and some candy.

    The breadth of choices in the beer store made me happy.

    I came home, made a quick fairly processed dinner and poured a drink as we unboxed the teen’s Universal Yum box from France. We were partaking in the delights when suddenly one of my candy’s was crunchy.

    The teen’s was not.

    I broke a crown off a molar.

    Yup, today is not a good day.

    The Road Trip Home

    Angel Ackerman 4 Comments

    The witch travels from Washington DC home with Mercury in retrograde

    I thought I was on top of everything. I hoped to leave DC around 9 so I could be home by 1.

    But then M’s housemates made this lovely kale frittata for breakfast.

    I love kale and I love breakfast!

    So I enjoyed a slice. And then another.

    Everyone followed me out to the car and wished me farewell… and then M noticed a nail in my tire.

    M called AAA because I don’t have my membership card. While he did that, I called my AAA home office and asked them to email me a pdf of my membership information. They assured me that I was in the system, but a pdf still made me feel better.

    M and I chatted about the international cleaning staples: Lava soap, Brillo pads and Borax powder.

    The AAA man came expediently, plugged my tire and sent me on my way.

    After 25 miles, while on I-95 about to merge onto 695 outside Baltimore, my tire pressure light came on. I did what I always do, I called my dad and started to freak out and cry.

    He advised me to get off the highway and have someone check the tire.

    So I got off 695 on the first exit and pulled into a CVS parking lot while I checked the tire visually, then tried to reset the light, and then gave up and used the AAA app to locate local gas stations.

    Interesting tidbit, it didn’t tell me which were gas stations and which were actual service (repair) stations.

    I ended up at a Sunoco, I believe A.C.E Automotive. I pulled up in front of what looked to be an air compressor hose. I stepped into the office and explained what had happened earlier and asked if anyone could check my tire pressure.

    An older gentleman finished writing up someone’s car repair invoice and told me to move my car “by that silver car.”

    The silver car was my car.

    He checked all of my tires. The back tires were around 26 psi. The drivers side front tire was 31 psi and the freshly repaired tire was 20 psi. The person helping me filled them all and went to get a spray bottle to check the plug.

    After it looked like the plug was good, he then told me to drive a mile or two and come back.

    I still couldn’t get the light to reset.

    So I drove a bit and came back and filled the car with gas. I asked the gentleman his name, and introduced myself. His name was Gary and he reminded me of my dad.

    Meanwhile my dad is texting me. My dad encourages me to be cautious and not to hesitate to buy a new tire.

    Gary checks all the tires and they are holding pressure. He knows I have 175 miles to go. He tells me to text my dad that I’m fine and I don’t need a new tire.

    I try to pay Gary and he tells me I don’t owe him anything because “that’s how people should be.”
    I stop at the visitors center right over the Pennsylvania state line and finally am able to reset the tire pressure light. I thought about how much those lights scare me. “Back in the day,” we got in the car and took our chances. We didn’t have warning lights. Cars just broke down.

    And now a light comes on and I’m calling my dad in tears terrified I’m going to have a horrible accident.

    But at the visitors center, the light goes out. I buy coffee from the vending machine.

    And I notice the rest stop has free wi-fi. How cutting edge of Pennsylvania.

    I was considering stopping at a truck stop to buy a tire gauge, but I did not.

    I also promised myself if I saw a Popeye’s I would get a chicken sandwich. I did not.

    I got home at 3.

    That was a long day.

    For more on my weekend away:

    Saturday mini-break in DC

    Sunday Funday paperwork

    Things I noticed on the bus in DC