Tag hope

Tell me to keep going.

Angel Ackerman 2 Comments

I feel unseen and unheard. I’m cold and I’m tired. And I have a headache.

The cold is easy to explain but not easy to remedy. My furnace started acting odd last winter, and I invested more than $600 into a possible fix that was nothing more than a guess and a bandaid– and it worked for last winter.

My heat is on 58-degrees right now, because I keep my heat low to save money and it doesn’t go up to 62 degrees until I’m consistently cold. And it only goes higher than 62 on special occasions.If you balk at those numbers, then you’ve never been poor.

Today the furnace refuses to work in any capacity. I called my heating people and they said they could come tomorrow, but I have special plans tomorrow (reading– the wine and book pairing at Cellar Beast Winehouse in Andreas, Pa. Buy tickets here) and I don’t want the stress of knowing if I’ll be without heat this winter. Because the furnace might really be dead. I’m hoping maybe it’s the thermostat, but that might be delusional thinking on my part.

[Help Angel heat her house this winter! Buy Parisian Phoenix books! 30 to choose from! Here’s our affiliate store on Bookshop.org— https://bookshop.org/shop/ParisianPhoenix— where you can support me, my authors and your favorite independent bookstore all at the same time without leaving your house, which I hope is warm!]

They are coming Tuesday afternoon, at my request.

If you follow this blog, you may already know that I signed up and paid for the Thrive Medical Fitness program at St. Luke’s Hospital.

Past blogs regarding this:

How I learned about the program

Medical Fitness Intake, part 1

Medical Fitness Intake, part 2

So, when I got home last night, I tracked my blood pressure for the hour after I returned and watched it come down to normal. Then, I ate Wing Stop. I had previously eaten about 850 calories that day with about 50 grams of protein and yeah, when Eva said she was starving and wanted Wing Stop I ordered it. I got a chicken sandwich, 5 boneless wings and an order of the fried corn with parmesan instead of the seasoning. I hoped I wouldn’t eat it all, but I did, which brought my protein totals for the day to around 125 grams and my calories to probably slightly more than 2,550.

My weight this morning did not change. My heart rate also appeared normal. My blood pressure before my beta blocker dose was 116/84. I skipped my morning coffee, drank a glass of electrolyte water and even wore my AppleWatch in the shower to see how my heart rate responded to the hot water.

At the doctor’s office, my weight had not changed. My heart rate was 77! That’s so ridiculously good for me as usually when I walk in the door it skyrockets. My blood pressure was 150/96. And they still have my height listed as 5′ 3″ which makes me obese. I’m 5′ 4″!

I saw a doctor that was not my own, and while he seemed like a very nice person, he didn’t see or hear me. He spent five minutes with me and prescribed a new medication. My history shows I have an issue with anxiety and my blood pressure, and I’m not saying I don’t have an issue, but no one seems to care that my blood pressure only escalates when I am outside of my house!

And I mentioned I struggle with orthostatic hypotension so I’m really concerned about changing my medications.

I am waiting for the pharmacy to fill the meds, and I made the follow-up nurse visit, but I also made an appointment with my cardiologist. But it’s hard to take care of yourself when you don’t have the same financial resources or the same “normal” body as everyone else.

I decided to cheer myself up and do something positive I made a coffee bar at the end of my desk.

Evening reflections under a clear sky

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

The night air hangs crisply around me as I sit on a cold stone bench listening to the marching band.

I can see every star and that amazes me since we are in town— light pollution everywhere.

I am thoroughly exhausted. I do get scared. But I still feel, even through this lonely melancholy, so much hope and thankfulness.

It’s a hard world out there right now, and I’ve been job hunting, building a business, volunteering with a local non-profit as their communications director and fostering feral kittens— in addition to parenting not one but two teenagers.

This crazy conglomeration of circumstances has brought me a great amount of joy as I try not to disappoint these teenagers, the cockatoo, or any of the 14 cats. Oh wait— that’s 13 now. We get rehome the black one and now we have 13 cats? That can’t be good.

I’ve used some of this time under the pandemic to expand my make-up looks.

Playing with Green

And my lack of steady income has led me to search for the best bargains possible… Got this toilet paper at CVS for $3.61.

Toilet paper bargain hunting

And as the days turn cold, I found my favorite tunic nightgown and whipped out my witch socks.

In the midst of this I think of all the friends who’ve lent a helping hand… the former work colleague who sent $20 and said “do something for yourself,” the college friend who sent a random check, my estranged husband who brought over groceries when I needed them, the new friend who gave me a $25 Dunkin gift card and showed me how to apply for food stamps, the friend who emptied her cupboards, the friend who waxed my brows and did my nails…

And I am so grateful.

My food stamps came in, and tomorrow I planned to go grocery shopping.

And much to my surprise another benefactor came forward today.

These will pay for what food stamps won’t— soap, garbage bags, cat food, cat litter, maybe even a rotisserie chicken. And I won’t have to wait for $9 in Extra Bucks, a 40% off coupon, and a manufacturer coupon to go get toilet paper.

I think about my job hunt (I have three pre-interview kind of situations happening this week. Interviewing in Covid is a weird combo of essay tests, screening questions, phone calls and video chats.)

And I’ve been touring office spaces with ASPIRE to Autonomy so seeing their vision become a reality makes me happy.

I have five interns that report to me now… I love seeing them grow.

And I have a new marketing client. Most of our work together will probably be in trade as she is starting a new small business.

I still feel like something good is on the horizon.

Hope and light come in unexpected places

Angel Ackerman Leave a comment

I chose my current employer based on the flexibility I wanted for school, travel and motherhood. And for the most part, I like my job. Sometimes, people frustrate me but many of my regulars can uplift my spirits. Especially the children.

I’m a good old reliable person. I tend to get assigned duties that the average peon might not do, and I don’t mind, it keeps my mind engaged. I like my immediate team and my supervisor is incredibly down-to-earth and full of common sense.

The last few weeks have been challenging. We’ve increased our production, changed routines, and even experienced equipment difficulties. But our team weathers it well.

Today, I took a turn cashiering, not my usual gig, but I don’t mind doing what needs to be done. For a while, as I covered breaks for the regular cashiers, the lines got pretty intense as I was the sole person ringing.

In the middle of one of those lines, a truly beautiful woman approached. She seemed a couple years older than me, in a white dress with a subtle pink pattern. I believe it was a classy princess seamed dress. She had short dark hair. She brought a several pieces of jewelry to the counter with her other purchases.

She was full of so much positive energy.

“May I ask your opinion?” she asked.

“Sure,” I replied.

She showed me item #1. A friendship necklace. “I am buying this for a friend.”

She showed me item #2. A necklace with family charms. “I have another friend who is really close, and I consider her family. Is that cheesy?”

“No,” I said. “I think it shows the depth of your feeling. I would do the same thing and I would be touched if I were your friend.”

“I’ll do it,” she said.

We continued to chit chat as I rang up her purchases and at the end I heard her say something about offering me a bracelet.

“Excuse me?” I said.

“May I give you a breast cancer awareness bracelet?”

She pulled this big bag of pink bracelets from her bag.

“Sure,” I said. “I know some survivors and some people fighting.”

“I’m fighting as hard as I can,” she said.

Then I realized. She had short hair. She was very thin. She had a band-aid over what was probably her medication port. We chatted some more and I wished her luck. I told her I would be thinking of her often and if she ever needed support I normally worked in the cafe and she should come see me.

“I might take you up on that,” she said.

“Please do,” I said.

She brought light into my life and made me humble. Good luck to you, wherever you are.