Yesterday, I started the day with physical therapy, having taken one of my muscle relaxers to see if that impacts the mechanics of my balance. Then, I had a lovely visit with my mom friend Janel— her oldest and my teen are one week a part and we met during pregnancy. After eating too much quesadilla at one of our favorite local diners, I went to the gym.

Now I don’t know if Andrew was particularly sadistic or if I’m just not keeping up, but it felt brutal yet satisfying. He kept throwing some serious challenges at me, but it felt like I kept nailing them.

Physical therapy and a gym session in the same day is a lot.

I’ve been reflecting a lot— on what our bodies do, what it takes to maintain them, and how different these current medications make me feel. For the better.

Today my only doctor’s appointment is my neurologist/physiatrist and I’m waiting in her office now, with no restroom in the lobby. And they are already behind, which gives me more time to think.

And I wonder— as our bodies age, ache and change, how do we even know anymore what it means to be healthy and feel good?

I think about if my medicines might have long term flaws, and worry about their interactions. I question my own expectations. And I also ask— will they be able to put the pieces together and diagnose what has happened to me? Why do I keep falling and almost passing out? Will it happen again?

Is every mood I feel a consequence of my heart? When I’m stressed, when I’m anxious, when I’m exhausted… are those my moods or are they my heart?

I feel silly for thinking and overthinking and even sillier for having some fear regarding You returning to work.

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Notes from my neurologist appointment:

• She shook her head at me when she came in; I told her I’ve had enough of that from my PCP
• She refilled the baclofen the pharmacy says she canceled, but she likes my theory that the refills got mixed up.
• She does not think the baclofen has contributed to my recent falls, and if anything I should be more regular with it.
• She wants me to keep very close note of my symptoms and my blood pressure and alert her if my hands continue to tingle.
• She ordered a CT scan and a CT A to make sure there’s nothing wrong with the vascular function in my head
• I passed my neurological exam with flying colors
• I am in the best shape she’s seen me in since we started our relationship
• She will follow up to see the cardiologist’s report
• She reviewed my written long to accompany my heart monitor
• She concurs with my assessment– that so far this does not appear to be a cerebral palsy issue.
• She said I’m “a joy to be around”
• She remarked that my facial laceration is healing very well and they did an amazing job stitching it
• I am doing all the right therapies.
• She did not see any scissoring in my gait!!!
• She’s glad they didn’t put me on blood thinners. Everyone agrees– medication that will make my bleeding and bruising worse does not correspond nicely with my fall history.
• I go back in three months.