I slept really well last night and woke to a hungry cat lying beside me with anticipation in his eyes. That’s a great development for a cat that spent four years under my bed.

A few minutes after I woke up, I heard a young man speaking very loudly. I thought maybe he was walking and talking to himself. But the sound didn’t move. I looked out my bedroom window, and the young man stood in the middle of the street, gesturing quite animatedly and practically dancing with his mannerisms and yelling. At 7 a.m. on a random, rainy Sunday morning.

By 7:10, the first police car rolled up. At about 7:15, the second arrived. About 7:30, a third car arrived, and the young man reluctantly got into it.

So after that opening to the day, I opened my bedroom door to go take my shower and got ambushed by Touch of Grey, the adorable menace cat. She intimidates Canyon, the cat who lives under my bed, and I had to turn on the Roomba to extract her. When I returned from my shower, the Roomba had gotten itself stuck under a chair.

I came downstairs and grabbed the remnants of Friday’s iced latte from Plants & Coffee. Came to my desk and updated the spreadsheet I am keeping for N., my shrink-by-proxy. (For more explanation of that, it’s mentioned here. If you want to start with the beginning of my journey to explore whether or not I have ADHD, click here. And fun fact– there is a valid reason to label me neurodivergent already as I have cerebral palsy which means my brain doesn’t work normally.)

By the time I reach my desk– okay, if I’m honest I would say by the time I finished getting dressed– I am stressed. I have a social event later today at Dave & Busters. I knew when I signed up I was pushing myself outside my comfort zone, but I love Dave & Busters.

But I worry I will be the oddball in the group and not have a good time because none of my people will be there or that the people who will be there will have other people who they want to see.

And I also worry I will eat the wrong food and struggle more with my weight. I have gained three pounds recently.

I have given up on any sort of order in my life. It’s been that way for the last six months or so. Several of the things I thought would create order in my home have happened and yet the disarray still exists and I can’t fix it. And I can’t blame anyone other than myself. Let me explain.

The house is a cluttered mess. We reorganized the kitchen. Never finished the job.

We created an office for me to work in. I never finished putting stuff away.

Every room in this house is a mess.

I haven’t put my laundry away in months.

My desk is a mess– and I could fix that in ten minutes. But I don’t.

I am terrified to continue these projects/start these tasks because I worry I do not have the emotional or physical energy to finish them.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is my workshop with Laurel Wenson on The Creative Power of Journaling as part of the Easton Book Festival. This weighs heavily on my mind. I sat down to organize my final notes and in the hour since I wrote “Easton Book Festival Prep notes” in my journal, I have looked for one missing computer files, packed some pens to take to the workshop, wrote this blog entry, and haphazardly scribbled down some notes. Because I’m really struggling to focus.

And I finished the sugary latte that has made me shaky.