I have been trying to write this blog entry since late Thursday– and I have failed to find the time. Each time I approach the task, I find I have a new take on what I want to say.

I have lost my footing.

Eva warned me it would happen. I don’t understand it, and I can’t articulate it well. The closest thing I can say is that I realize that had rigid systems in place to keep myself together, and now my atittude toward those systems is more fluid. That leads me to have a more flexible approach to those systems, making myself believe I can function without such structure, and my productivity falls apart. Or, perhaps another way to put it, the more I recognize the patterns and behaviors that drive me, the more I interrupt them. This makes me calmer, but eradicates my ability to get work done.

Or very simply: I work like I’m in the midst of a manic episode or I don’t work at all.

Yesterday I started realizing all of this, and I thought, “I am not a superhero.”

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else, but in that moment, I broke down and cried recognizing that all the jokes other people had made about my capacity to do all the things were true. That is was not normal to approach work with the urgency I did/do. That I performed at some ridiculously high frequencies, that weren’t healthy, and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.

My superpower has always been innate time sense, and I feel like fading away.

One of my dear friends sent me this email responding to a blog post from earlier this week, which I am quoting here for future reference in my own world:

I have no doubt that adderall works for you; there’s a different level of calm in you when you take it. It’s hard to describe from an observer’s point of view, and many might not see anything different, but in borrowing your own image of the filing cabinets, it’s like instead of all this frantic opening and slamming of filing cabinet drawers going on in your head, with some files just landing in the air or on the floor, instead there’s a different set of office workers calmly opening and closing drawers as they file thoughts and ideas away — productively and with a quiet focus, but still getting the job done faster and more efficiently. Not sure that makes sense, but I think those closest to you notice it.

This morning I received another email from a friend who works in the psychological field who, unbeknowst to me, has been reading the blog. She commended me for my willingness to embark on this journey on this potential disaster train.

To top off my adventures with potential undiagnosed ADHD, I reached out to an old friend about some emotions I’ve been having– yesterday was my 27th Wedding Anniversary after all and my estranged husband seems to have really found himself (I am truly happy for him)– and the old friend and I ended up in an argument which made me cry more, right after I got this email from Susquehanna Service Dogs:

Thank you so much for joining us for your Meet the Dogs session and also for your patience as we conducted additional evaluations. I’m sure this waiting period has not been easy.

After reviewing your session and our evaluations, we have determined that there is not a tentative match in the group of dogs that you met.

So friends, that means South and I did not match. I have to trust the process on this one. South was adorable and soft, and smart– which means that hopefully all the future dogs I meet will have the features of Ms. South, and that if I loved South, I will find the future matches even more of a fit. On a practical level, it’s a relief that the process has been delayed. The reality of taking a month off during the college semester, right before the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group Conference that I chair, and when Canyon, the cat who formerly lived under my bed, has made such progress… it’s a lot. I don’t think I realized how close to having a dog I was, and once I get that match I have four months to prepare financially. That means I will lose income, empty my savings account and add a member to the family with minimal time to prepare.

On a medical level, this disappoints me. I have been struggling lately and might be so bold as to say I have been in a period of decline. My neurologist put me in for physical therapy, and if I can get on their list before the end of the year, I will do it, but the reality is I can’t afford to do physical therapy once my deductible resets.

Today Eva and I went to the Nazareth Farmers Market to hear the delightful Larry Sceurman tell Halloween stories… Hopefully, that will be my tale for tomorrow. We also went to Barnes & Noble yesterday to look at the planners, and we each bought one. That should be an entry.